On my ride home from the Garden tonight, I came to a few conclusions about myself.
1. There are two types of people I have no problem telling my problem with them to: People I know well enough and can trust can handle what I have to say without pushing me away, and people I don’t know and could care less about at all, but can at least tell I won’t be an immediate threat. That accounts for about 95% of the people I care about and 99% of the general population – and that’s being generous. The majority of people fall into one of three gray areas: I care about you, but have not had proof that I can tell you what I feel fully, good or bad; I care about you, and know you well enough that, if I criticize you, you’ll be gone from my life; and people I do not have enough information for either way. I think this is one of the problems I have in many of my friendships and all of my relationships. I know a part of this stems from my hatred and inability to properly handle criticism. While I know what I should be, I don’t know how to get rid of those chains that hold this onto me.
2. The older I get, the more I realize that things I could tolerate and ignore without a problem I simply can not do any more. This is part of my reason for not going to bars (or drinking, for that matter) anymore, and why nights I used to be able to sit and tolerate the drunks at Denny’s and other 24-hour places have been shortened. (Chances are, if anyone else ever sees me drunk again, I will be at my place, or at a place I am staying at and am familiar enough with.) If I leave because of this, understand that I don’t hate or even dislike you any more than I did when you were sober I just can’t handle certain types of drunks anymore.
3. For whatever reason, I have been blessed (cursed?) with my grandfather’s ability to see good in people, regardless of like or dislike. Everyone I become friends with I see as a good person, even if some of their flaws don’t always make them tolerable to be around. This has caused problems in the past, both with the above problems mentioned and with people taking advantage of this, and it’s always been the latter that has helped chip away at my ability to accept and enjoy others – in fact, to even trust anyone, at times. The blessings, however, outweigh the negatives, and even if I have to say, “I just can’t be around you right now,” I know whatever it is I’m feeling is not permanent.
4. I’ve hated looking into the mirror for the last year and a half and seeing what I have become, and I’ve hated finding the cracks and flaws that have been cutting and burning away at me. Lately, though, I’ve been seeing some of those wounds heal, some of the bright sides that I thought burned or scarred away return, and some new skin and muscle growth forming over. This is both physical (my weight gain since being dumped, and my growing pains as a result) and internal (finding some truths about my past and present, seeing the person I really am.)
I’ve come to realize that I will never fully be happy with who I am, but I neither hate myself nor am as bad of a person as I thought I might be. Knowing that I’m not as lost as I believed myself to be is a comforting feeling, as it gives me much to work and build upon.
5. As tired as I am, I’m probably overthinking again, and should go to bed. On that note…. Nighters.