Perspective Shift. Again.
The last few weeks have been sort of a beat-up-on-Wayne-like-he’s-a-punching-bag kind of blogs, pulling wrongs and problems out of the past, in re-examination. While I want to shift direction for a bit, I wanted to touch on a few things.
First, re-examination is necessary. One thing that has stuck out from middle school history – and pretty much any history class I have been in, for that matter – is that if we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. Considering my life to this point, I can vouch for this: Although some mistakes were unavoidable due to lack of experience, the vast majority of my mistakes were repeats of things I was doing, in one form or another, the first time I lived on my own that lead to my homelessness. There is no other reason for my repeat failures in life and love than this. There were things in my life that were holding me back from giving my best, and my weight, although massive, is small among the problems.
Second, re-examination is sometimes ugly. We can look back and laugh at all of the fun times, but if we have problems in our lives, we gain little from doing this. I needed to do it, because there is no reason – in my opinion – why the relationship her and I had should have been as rocky or have ended the way it did. Her and I had a lot of problems together, and because we did not work together as a team, did not learn how to work together, we were practically doomed to failure. From what I have found, there are very few relationships that should end, and very many that do that should not.
Third, re-examination should be viewed from a healthy level. When I re-examined myself, I focused squarely on myself – not my mother or father, sources of how I was raised; not my grandparents who took over my parent’s job in my teens; not the teachers who benched me or the people who did not use me to my best or fullest potential; and, in terms of my relationship, not my ex or her family, which started the direction I have chosen. Worrying about what others did to you helps very little when confronted with similar situations in the future.
Finally, re-examination is painful, particularly if the situations involved were painful. There has never been a more painful day for me than the day I realized she was going to exit my life for good, and that I was going to lose the best thing to happen in my life to date. It hurts worse to think of every missed opportunity, every blown chance, every mistake, screw-up, or slip-up. Most of you learned all of this in your teens or young adulthood; here I am only learning of this a couple of months ago.
I want to bring you back to the first point I made, about the necessity of what I am doing, and bring up some other things. I have returned to church, going to one out in Roscoe thanks to a good friend. I started going back to church a couple of months before this, of my volition, partly because I needed something to occupy my time, and partly because I felt it was the right thing to do. In this time, the church – and said friend, by extension – have become a good source of positive energy in a world of darkness for me.
I’ve also taken to study more and play less. One of my resolutions was to eliminate gaming, and while it’s not gone completely, it has dropped considerably for me. What has also dropped, though, is TV/movie watching and music listening. It’s not that I don’t want to – it’s that my time has become more valuable.
My thoughts have changed, as well. Some of them are for the better: my swearing, while not gone, has cut back considerably, and I am fining more ways around those words. My attitude towards work and the music there has drastically changed as well, too – most of the negativity I carried with last week were the depressed feelings of someone mourning over a relationship with someone who’s chosen not to be in his life anymore. My thoughts towards work have numbed or come down – the music doesn’t irritate me nearly as much as before, and although I feel alienated from them, most of them have not had a healthy relationship with me, due to how I’ve been with them.
My heart hit the lowest point back on Christmas. At this point most of the bad had already happened: I found out I was not going to have any money to do Christmas cards or gifts, thanks to the car going bad n me, and because of all of the bad that had built up, this was going to be my second holiday alone. I had a bomb dropped on me, though, on Christmas night: She had a new boyfriend.
My feelings were torn in two different directions, both sad. I’ll spare the details of my thoughts, but we’ll leave them between suicidal and genocidal. I had never felt more hurt or alone in my life until then.
In the days that followed, though, as the pain died down and realization kicked in, I began to look back at things again. Yes, everything we had worked for was going to crumble and blow away, and I was going back to square one, but I was left with a choice. That choice has become a mantra for this year, has become a running theme:
Change or Die.
History does not repeat itself without reason. Mistakes don’t repeat themselves, don’t get worse, on their own. The path I was going down was going to lead to one destination, and it was a destination I no longer wanted to go.
I bring all of this up for a reason.
I have made some choices that will come out in the next few months. Some of them, such as starting groups, will be positive and move me towards a better life. Some of them, such as going to church, are going to be difficult, if not impossible, for some of my friends to understand, and for a few of them to accept. Some are waiting until I live on my own again, others are being done now, with the hopes of a brighter future later.
I apologize to those of you who do not understand this, as well as to those of you who can not accept this. I also apologize for those whom I hurt on the way – I will avoid doing so, of course, but if avoidance is impossible, I hope you will understand that no malice was intended.
I will not apologize, however, for your inability to understand or accept, nor will I apologize for present or future actions that affect you and my choices at once. I need to live life for myself, as God sees fit for me, and I owe it to Him, to everyone who cares about me, and to myself, to change the downward spiral, grow up, and become a real man. I need to become Wayne, and I need to make my life better.
I have a few important goals this year. First and most obvious is a desire to improve the quality of my life in every way imaginable. I’ve let myself become who I am today, and let the failures happen where I could have been active in stopping them – or in some cases, doing them when they needed to be done. God gave me my gifts not to waste them but to use them, and I’m ready to learn how to.
Second, I want to help others out, because I’ve relied on the help of others for years. That does mean, unfortunately, that I will have to push some gifts aside, but it also means helping people not only understand what I need, but how I can help them become better as well.
Finally, I want those things that matter most in life: Stability, security, warmth, happiness, respect, and most of all, love. I’m not talking about the sexual stuff of the past, I’m talking about real companionship, mentally and emotionally, with someone who wants to share the same life I want to share. That’s a lot to ask given my state of life now, but it’s something worth going after, going for.
I hope you will understand this, but if you don’t, or can’t, I understand.
I hope this of you who read this will take the time to give me some feedback. I really want to improve my writing and spread the messages I have for everyone, but I can’t do that if I don’t know what I am doing, right or wrong. I’d appreciate some feedback if you have the time. Thank you.