I look back at my past, at my life, with a lot of regret and shame.
I have regret for things I’ve never done, or didn’t do properly, or ended up messing up in the long run. This hits the hardest with relationships and me, since all of the mistakes that I made while with my ex were things that I, as an adult, never should have made. I realize now that, had I made more of an effort when I was younger, had I been out there, I’d have gone through then what I am going through now, and I wouldn’t be as hesitant as I am to get into the next one.
As for shame, I feel awkward all of the time. This is because of my looks, my weight, my clothes, and my lifestyle. I don’t feel like I ever fit in, even when I know logically I do.
I also feel shame for my actions, for those whom I hurt unintentionally. I often feel like I am more of an annoyance than a help, and that, even with the most inviting of people, I feel like the outsider looking in.
I’ve carried a lot of weight and baggage, and it’s hard for me to let go. Part of it is that I really don’t know how to – I can forget about it for a day, week, month, etc., but eventually something I do makes it work its way back up there. The other part is that I often forget to do things when I need to remember them the most – I know I’m supposed to eat light, cut back, etc., but do I remember that when I am putting those big bites in my mouth?
It’s not just a few habits I am trying to break – I’m trying to give myself a life makeover. To do that, I need to change the way I think and the way I act. I can’t change how I feel – at least not directly – but I can do things to help influence those feelings and I can react to them in a proper, sensible fashion.
To do this, I need to establish some ground rules to live by, some basis to work with as I move along. These disciplines will hopefully lead me to where I need to be, and how I will be able to overcome my obstacles.
This list is special, because it’s an open-ended one. I already know I’m going to learn more beyond this (unless I get hit by a semi today, knockonwood), so it doesn’t make sense to keep this particular posting closed off. The dates by the side indicate the date they were added – both up-to and beyond the day of publication.
- Develop Natural Habits – Some weeks I am at the top of my game, and nothing slips by. Other weeks I’m slouching and lazy, nothing gets done, and the only thing I really accomplish is a deepening depression. One thing I’ve noticed on those weeks I’m at the top of my game is that I am sticking to a plan, an order, and that I’m doing this independent of thought (in other words, not telling myself I need to do it.) I need to do more of this so that I can get done what I need to get done, and have time for everyone and everything I want to be involved with.
- Lead By Example – I’ve been one of those people who will tell others not to do as I have done, yet not think about the fact that I repeat those same mistakes. Being an adult now, I can also see the end result in some people, and it scares me that they have kids. I can also see where I followed, either directly or indirectly, in the path of my parents and their mistakes. If I want to be a good father, if I want to be respected, I need to act like I say I am going to act, do as I say I am going to do, and not do anything out of those lines. If I’m going to be a positive role model, I need to act like one first.
- Create A Game Plan – I’ve let myself be open to the world around me, following what others do but not really doing much for myself along the way. In some ways, this has served me well, as it gives me a perspective of the world around me, and helps me understand it better. What it does not do is give me direction or focus in life – and it leads me to promise many things that I may never end up doing. How can I lead myself, or anyone else, for that matter, if I have no clue as to where I am going or leading everyone to? I need to outline how I will succeed –
- Follow The Plan – and follow through with it.
- Treat Others As I Would Want To Be Treated – I think part of the reason for my feelings of shame and inadequacy is that I give off one of a handful of personas. On the one hand, I’m the know-it-all, who has an answer for everything, and hate it when I’m told I’m not. (For the record, I do know that I’m not.) On another hand, I’m a scaredy-cat, afraid to do or say anything on the fear that I’ll offend someone – and yet get offended when people withhold from me.
- Define Yourself – I’ve lived in the past and on the reliance of the people around me for far too long. This is one of the reasons why I live in shame and fail so often, as I often grow too attached or rely on people too much. I need to define who exactly Wayne Carlton Winquist is and to live as him, not as how I think others want me to live and not by the things I have done in the past, bad or good. My actions may have led me to this point, but they don’t have to define anything more than the immediate future.
- Move Forward – another one of my big problems is stagnation. The physical part is obvious: sitting on my butt all the time and constantly eating has led me to gain and maintain my weight, and has made weight loss very difficult. Likewise, by not moving forward with my career and education, and by not pushing further with my love life, what gains I have made took a long time to make, and have, in many cases, created losses (my ex is a prime example.) Stagnation is death – time to live.
(Edits and changes made at this point – sorry. – Ed.)