The List: New Years Resolutions

If someone had told me last year that I would be single, alone, gaining right, fighting for my unemployment and for everything else I had lost, and not even caring because I already lost the most important thing, I would have ignored them believing them to be wrong.  Had I bet them money, they’d be another person I’d owe.

Resolutions are easy when things are stable, because you know you can focus on them if you want to.  There’s no necessity to them, they’re just things you want to change – not things you need to change.

The last few months have opened my eyes.  I have seen the truth about some people i thought i could trust, gave one person a lot of major reasons not to trust or want to be around me, and came to realize just how much of my past was still in me.  Everything I did to fix things made them worse, and everything I tried to do blew up in my face in the end.

The bright side of all of this is that, in having all of this loss, this pain and misery, especially in the face of what should have been the happiest day of my life (which would have been yesterday), I have probably rooted down to the ugliest, most painful of flaws i have.  The obesity, the foul language and smell I sometimes bare covers the inner turmoil and pain I’ve dealt with, tried to hide and sometimes pushed onto the people I care about.  Obviously, my resolutions for next year are greatly influenced by someone I still have great feelings for, and while I know that success in any or all of these things will not bring her back to me, I also know that, by doing these, if the next relationship fails, I will have done what I can to fix that which I can currently control.

I should make one note:  There is one thing that should be a resolution but is not, and that is to improve my listening and appreciation.  These, unfortunately, I can not do alone or without specific circumstances involved, and therefore can not easily list them as resolutions.  What I have listed are things I can directly control and work on in the next year, that do not rely on other people or on circumstance, to fix.  That’s not to say these won’t be worked on; I’m going to have t work on these when the opportunity arises.

  • Lose Weight.  This one is a no-brainer:  when I was dumped I was 50 lbs away from my target weight for the wedding.  Since then, I gained back 30 lbs, which keeps me over 300, and in an unhealthy weight.  Since some of my other resolutions are affected by my weight, it’s obvious this has to go on the list.
  • Return To School.  If I am lucky you will have seen the list of what I am returning for;  the only thing that needs to be said is that, with no intention of dating in the next year, I have no real excuse not to return to school.
  • Balance and maintain my life.  The biggest and easiest flaws became visible in the relationship early last year, but they magnified and helped to create the mess I am now in.  I’ve known for a long time how big these things would be, how slick of slope I faced, and did everything wrong to try to prevent it.  I don’t want to return to school next summer/fall worrying about how I am going to maintain an apartment/house on my own, or where I will be getting rent money or food from, let alone where the money for the books will come from.
  • Mature.  This one is a complex puzzle, due to what it covers.  The short and simple answer is that I need to change my attitude, learn to handle things, people and situations without emotion, and act the way I want to be treated and not let others influence me. This was my biggest failure with my last relationship, and affects all areas of my other resolutions.
  • Learn how to face my fears.  The worst memory I will carry is one with my and my ex at her grandmothers lake.  I have had a fear of falling (not so much of heights, because once I am up someplace I can control that fear) that affects me jumping into pools, skydiving, etc.  She did everything, from encouragement, to shutting me out, to try to get me off of her dock, going so far as to try to get me to jump hand in hand with her.  I have lived with that regret since then, of not being able to jump in with her at that moment, wishing ever since that morning I could go back and do it one more time, because I realize just how much had changed between us since then.  I would have jumped in had I learned how to face my own fears, instead of putting it on someone else to make me face them, and I never would have given her that doubt.
  • Learn to trust myself.  This past year was a revelation of all of the reasons I can not trust myself now, of all of the ways I lie and try to hide things I am personally ashamed of from those I care about, and it’s not the way to live.  I’ve had many moments where, if I just trusted my gut instinct, the outcome would have been different, and had I been doing them from the start, instead of second guessing myself or listening to others at the wrong time, who knows how things would be now?  What I know is that I would still have my job with CAT, I would be married to my first sweetheart, and there would be no reason to “What if” now.  There are times when I need to stand by myself for what I believe to be right,do my own thing, and prove to myself what I can do – and I need to learn to trust when I am right instead of second guessing it.
  • Become the person I want to be.  Many of the problems I have with other people right now are things that I have given them reason to treat me as and that I have let go as acceptable.  I have accepted second-best in many things, and accepted my losses without fighting for my wins.  I shouldn’t have to beg or plead for help or forgiveness, not because I won’t make mistakes, but because I can avoid and prevent my mistakes and be reliable in what I do.  I told her never to give up on me, but all I did to give reason not to is beg and plead.  I expect better of myself, and I know I can be better.  I was the reason our relationship failed, not because I stopped loving her, but because I never gave her reason to love me in turn.
  • Finally, I will be leaving much of social networking behind.   Without a doubt, the computer has become both my best friend and my worst enemy.  I spend way too much time playing games, sending messages or in general wasting time that could have been spent productively behind a screen.  Either on or after January 1st, I will be closing my MySpace, Facebook, MyYearbook, and all dating accounts, as all of them are distractions.  In addition, I’m giving up on computer and video gaming, and am going to learn to use the computer once again as how I should have learned to use it all along:  as a tool to get the jobs I want to get done.

I hope all of you have a Happy New Year.

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