The List: What I’ve Learned About Myself In 2011

One of the hardest things to do in reconstruction and reassembly is to figure out where the flaws were, what caused an item to explode or self destruct, where was the shatterpoint that took things beyond normal control.  It is why an investigation can take many months and be very emotional and troubling along the way.  If the truth, the knowledge wasn’t necessary, we would not pursue it, nor would we try to change.

The hardest part of breaking up – particularly of getting dumped – was figuring out what went wrong, where I failed, how someone who, at the beginning was very interested in me could be so cruel and hurtful as to want to get rid of me.  The easy thing would be to call her names and say that it was her fault – but then, when it happens to the next person, to the person after that, do I continue to blame them then?  Someone who does not typically display cruel or hurtful behavior don’t change overnight, don’t change in a matter of hours – this had built up in her for a long time.

Some of the stuff I ruled out because of arguments and discussions we had back in 2009 and 2010 – It’s not that they did not have a direct impact on her desire to break up, it’s just that we’ve already covered that ground.  I focused on the stuff I looked into in the months beyond the breakup, some of which covers that time period but was not discussed as greatly as it should have.  What follows is what I believe has led me to the breaking point, and what I have learned about myself, both heroic and disturbing, this past year.

  • I’m not as suicidal as I believe myself to be.  In the past 6 months, I have faced three of the darkest periods of my life.  The first was when my ex was in the hospital for a week and a half – the whole time I was worried about her, and while I wish I had treated better than I had, I did my best to help her and to prepare for post-hospital life (which was supposed to include her.)  The second immediately followed the first, when she dumped me – I went through shock, hurt and anger all at once, and my immediate actions (which were probably the nail in the coffin) were the end results.  I started going into depression at that point, and while it eased up for a while, it hit back with the third point:  The lost of my highest-paying job at CAT, which I had sought out in part because of her family.  The end results are still playing out with unemployment still being withheld and the loss of everything that had built up positively when she was with me.  I think, in terms of justification, I have more than enough reason to kill myself.  I also think, though, that I would not be talking about this right now if I actually was.
  • I am not desperate.  One of the things I think she really believed was that I was clinging onto her because I did not believe I could find anyone else.  I had that proven wrong not too long ago – I had started talking to someone again whom I had not talked to since she made false accusations of my ex.  Those conversations led me to met her.  That night, I was going in with the intention of possibly dating her, to spite my ex or to just plain get what I felt i had earned at that point in terms of a relationship.  What I came to realize that night, though, was that I was not over my ex, I was not attracted to this person, and most importantly, I was not so desperate to throw away the good qualities of me to be with someone who was my female doppelganger – she had all of my flaws, and it showed.  I ended up leaving that night wondering how my ex put up with me for so long, and how I was going to tell her that she was not my type.  (For the record, I did do it online.)
  • I buried my problems, I did not resolve them as I believed.  There were two key areas that played out in giving her the mistrust she had this past year.  The first was my irresponsibility with my finances and my inability to tell her the truth about these indiscretions when we were engaged.  The second was how I was sneaking food and drink behind her back – which came to play back in the finances and my weight.  in the months that followed, many other buried problems resurfaced in varying ways, some of which never were noticed until after I was dumped.  I believed myself better than I was.  I was wrong.
  • I am not strong enough to love.  There are always two parts to Love:  Love itself, and loss.  The Love part is the best, is always what we want in life, to have those people that we care about and that care about us throughout our lives.  The loss, however, is the part we forget about until it happens: We are given reason to leave them, we are dumped, or worse, one of the parties dies.  The one who is left to go on is left sometimes questioning, sometimes hurt, sometimes in tears.  I thought I’d be able to maintain a relationship with my ex, and had hoped that at some point we could reconcile.  As I write this I have heard from her of her new boyfriends gift of a tablet.  Needless to say, I was crushed, because she refused to confirm what I had already suspected a few months back.  I never want to feel what I have felt these last four months again.
  • Finally, I deserve better.  There was only two things I’ve ever asked for from my ex, and those things are the only things that really matters:  Love and accept me unconditionally, and never give up on me.  I accepted her and loved her without any desire to change her, in spite of the increasing frustrations I had with her.  She was promised change – my fault – so she expected change, and when I failed to change, she had no reason not to give up on me.  I’ve let people take advantage of and hurt me all of my life, and only recently have I realized that I am unable to handle that anymore.  She will always have an open door, should she ever decide to return – but she will have to prove to me, as will anyone else who comes into my life in the future, that she can meet and exceed those expectations.

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