Have you ever lost focus of your life – of who you are, what you represent and what you want out of it?
I have, and I can say this with certainty: One of the worst things you can do is lose that focus.
The last few months have been a roller coaster spinning downward and out of control for me. I got dumped by my fiancé after she had to stay an extended period in the hospital. I landed the best paying job I’ve ever had, only to lose it two months later because of a car issue I was trying to prevent. I now live alone, away from family and friends, and because of how I lost my job, I have no income and a lot of debt – I could be royally screwed by the end of the year.
You can only sink so low, go down so far, before you either have to rise to the surface or hit the bottom. The most obvious bottom is death, but as experience has taught me, there are far worse things to fear than going to hell alone.
Thankfully, as much I’ve wanted to kill myself in the past few months – the longest period of depression for me since 7th and 8th grade – I was blessed with a few gifts that has kept me from going over the edge.
With that said, when you hit that point where you just plain don’t care if you live or die anymore, you have to make a choice: Are you going to change? If so, what?
The rest of the year will be spent sorting out the various thoughts of my mind. It is a complete and utter disaster area, after having spent so much thought into what went wrong, how I screwed up and lost her, how I’m not happy, not where I want to be. At some point I may release the thoughts I had written about the situation I created, but for now, I’m done focusing on my mistakes – except to figure out what I need to do to fix them.
Some of these lists will be ridiculous and random – they’re on my mind, I just want to get them out of there. Some of these have specific purpose: they’re here to help me, to remind me of what I want in life and where I want to go.
Once I am done and actively working on my lists in 2012, this will become a weekly posting.
So what do I want to do in 2012? Read on to find out.
The Things I Want To Do In 2012
- Return To School – The desire to return to school was beginning to spark again in the final weeks of the relationship, with my feelings of inadequacy and disappointment finally hitting home. I never fully felt capable of being the leader I wanted to be, and I got to a point where I was ready to change that. Had she stayed we would have discussed this and figured out a way to make this work; it’s a null and moot point now. I know I can not achieve what I want to in life without the resources and means to do so – and no one is going to take me seriously without the proof that I should be taken seriously – all things that returning to school supplies. Even if I don’t get a degree, if it gets me ahead and helps me get the skills and the confidence I need to proceed, it will be a good thing.
- Write A Book – I’ve been talking about it, had ideas for them, even started a few for many years now. I don’t need to write a best-seller, but I need to stop thinking and start doing, and this is something I want to accomplish this year.
- Go On A Vacation – The last time I was on vacation – the last two times, in fact – I relied heavily on her families resources. Prior to that, I relied on my family’s resources. I’ve never taken a vacation for myself, by myself, or on my own merits. There’s a few things I want to do, and I think, as old as I am, I have no excuses not to anymore.
- Visit A Few Cities – This one’s more of a wishlist thing, but it’d be really cool to expand my horizons and see some things I’ve never seen in person. I’d love to visit the ocean, to hike a few mountains, and to visit a few places that I’ve never been to – especially on the west coast, where the furthest west I’ve been was someplace on the way to my ex’s grandmother. See “Vacation.”
- Go Camping – See “Vacation.”
- Find A Full Time Job – This one is huge, has been important for many years, and after becoming one of the many problems in my last relationship, is no longer going to be tolerated. I came close to leaving Lifetouch this year – had it not been for a few unfortunate problems, I’d be working right now. There’s no reason why I should not have been already except that which I created in the past.
- Find Love Again – My ex proved to me that I could find love, but she also proved how easy it is to lose that. If I can’t have her back, I can try to move on without her – something very uneasy right now, but I hope will come to pass.
- Re-enforce my relationships with my family and my friends – There was a lot of things I set aside as a result of being with my ex, and the biggest was my relationships with people. I never should have put people aside like I did, and I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around me anymore. I can, and will, make it up to those who choose to give me a second chance, who allow me into their world and hang around me again.
The person I was will die at the end of the year. The person I will be is coming soon.