It’s been a long time since I posted anything regular on this site. Since I am no longer constrained by either restrictions or memory – most of my best thoughts the past couple of years went to my ex – I now have all the time in the world.
What I have come to learn in the past few months, though, has made me realize a lot. I hold no grudge against her, because without her, I never would have come as far as I have. Things are infinitely more difficult without her now, but it’s justified – had I treated her better, she might still have married me, and possibly even been happier.
What’s done is done, though, and as much as I wish I could change the past I can not. I can, however, learn from my mistakes, rebound from my problems, and – as long as either I don’t die or the world does not end – can still become the person I really want to be. I apologize if the number of posts go up in the next few months – having the time to think has made me realize that, without some sort of solid plan, and making sure I stick to said plan, I will continue to be the loser I became while I was with her. I have to change, and more importantly, I want to change.
(In her defense, it was not her fault I became all the negative things I see in me – I let myself regress backwards, and put a heavier burden on her and her family because of it. She was right to dump me.)
So here’s what’s going to happen:
Rest of 2011: The most immediate future is the one most up-in-the-air, because at the moment I lack both a job and unemployment, mainly due to a really bad car situation that kept me from my job long enough to get fired. (I am in the process of getting it back, and hope to have it soon.) What I can control, though, is my diet and exercise – I know now I will not hit 270 before year’s end, but I should not let that deter me from losing as much as I can. the healthier I am, the better prepared for the future I will be. In the meantime, I will find a church to go to while I Figure out what direction I will go, and I will look for work until Lifetouch calls me back. Dec 29th will probably be the hardest day of all, because that would have been the day I married her – if there will ever be a day where I will need my friends, it will probably be this day.
First Quarter 2012: Assuming I am able to get unemployment again until I get called back to work, I will hold off on moving until around March – at that point, I am hoping to have enough money set aside for a U-Haul and a new place to live. I love where I live now, but the biggest problem is not having an alternative in a bad situation – granted, there’s absolutely no way I would have salvaged my job at CAT because of where I lived at, but if I had a job closer to where I lived at, and could get access to the bus to get to my family and friends, I at least have a plan B for the future. I hope someday to return down here on a permanent basis, because it is a beautiful, wonderful area to live and grow up in, but without any resources to call upon, I’m in the same mess as I would be in Rockford – minus the additional resources that could make things work up there.
I will also be looking closer into schools – and this is where things take a turn. Rockford may not be where I end up, and I may decide that Sycamore/Dekalb is a better area. The biggest reason for this is school – the one deciding factor in where I move to, next to cost and “plan b”. I have lived my life very loosely, and have not lived the way I wanted to. I really want to go see new places, explore new things, and that was one of the many things that really attracted me to my ex – that she had not only done those things, but would have been fun to re-explore those places again. She is gone now, but that remains for me, and to do that, I need the ability to do that – and that means a solid job based on a solid foundation of good health, good spirit and good education. I may not know how to do the good spirit yet – hopefully that will come as gain the other two – but I know what I can do during this time.
The most obvious part is that I will have to be back at my old job for one more year. Unless something comes along in the next month that is a permanent replacement, I would have been better returning to it this year anyways. So, if they don’t call me back before the end of the year (and my feeling is that they won’t), I’ll probably be back for one more year.
Second Quarter 2011:After I move in, I will need to solidify my school choice, finished making all payments on my car, and make sure I have everything I need to not have to worry once I return to school in June. That means new computer, no needs missing, and the money to take care of bills, books, gas and food during this time period. I will also have to lose a significant proportion of weight by then – There’s no way, at 350 lbs, that I’ll be able to run to class or keep my focus, especially if I feel like sleeping through it. Even if I decide that online schooling is the way to go, a healthy body and mind will be able to study better than the way I am now.
I hope to have a new job – or become a full-time member of my old job – but I am thinking it might be best to do a few more years the way I am now. the last time I tried juggling school and work, I made a big mess of things, and even though I got by and was able to keep my Phi Theta Kappa membership, I know that it was difficult to juggle both at the same time. Rather than repeat history, I want to make sure I finish what I start.
The biggest definite of the next 7 months is that I have to change. The life I have lived, where I am lazy, eat anything, and not care who I hurt or who I blame my problems on, is gone. I can’t be that person and expect to live anymore – either I’ll kill myself in a typical way, or I’ll continue to kill myself through my obesity. I have to learn to grow up, to be strong and believe in myself again, or no one, not her, not anyone else, will ever give me that chance.
There was something I came to realize a few months back, that something was wrong, was different in me. In the past, when she’d threaten to leave, I would always, always beg for her to come back, to give me one more chance. I couldn’t bring myself to do that this time – Every part of me wanted, every part of me wanted her to stay, wanted me to fight one more time to keep her. The reason why I couldn’t was that I was beginning to realize just how screwed up I had become. I lost who I was, lost who I wanted to be, and although I knew that being with her would have helped me better become some of the person I wanted to be, without that confidence, that belief that, “yes, I can do this, yes, they can trust me, can rely on me for help, ” – without that, I would have to always rely on, and depend on her, my family, my family, and everyone else.
I want more from my life. I’m no longer going to try to get it, try to do it, try this, that or whatever – I’m going to do it. I only hope that, at the end of this part of my journey, she will not only understand, not only forgive, but accept, like and want to be around the person I do become – if we aren’t back together at that point. I will always leave that door open for her, because she made that tremendous of an impact on my life that I can not close it – but I’m done waiting around, letting people control me like a puppet. I will become the person I want to be.