Maturity, Reality, & My Image On The Internet

Yes, my blog is back up – and I’ve had a lot to think about while it was down.The biggest thought, in terms of my blog, is how I use it – and how I don’t.   Most of the thoughts I consider  “Blog-worthy” – that is, anything from general topics or thoughts on news to specifics on computers, Photoshop, and other stuff that interest me (or anything that I’d consider not   “Shauna-only” – Love you, BTW) – I usually have when I’m not near a computer, such as in the car driving, helping people out or working out.  The bad thing is that there’s been things that have bothered me lately, in terms of what is going on in the world and how they are on the people I care about, that are really upsetting me inside.  Unfortunately, I can only bottle this stuff inside for so long before it comes out – usually on the wrong people.

The biggest thoughts these past few weeks, however, have been the one hurdle I’ve put off:  Work, and how I’ve not handled this yet.  Many of my thoughts – and subsequent depression – has been about how no one will give me a chance and how everyone is STILL rejecting me, in spite of all of the changes and improvements in my life now.  If I’m a better, healthier, stronger person, what is it that is making people skip over me WITHOUT even bringing me in for an interview?

Obviously, there are some factors that are beyond my control, at least at the moment.  When you only bring in X amount of dollars, paying for your past mistakes – all those debts I racked up as a result of not paying my hospital and clinic bills – is difficult, if next to impossible.  (Here’s a hint:  only being employed 5-6 months out of the year does not keep one afloat.)  Likewise, getting a college degree costs money and takes time – and without a game plan for the worst-case scenario (which, in my case, is being stranded out here) or the future (I’m still undecided between programming and business), is a complicated mess.  Losing the weight takes time, unfortunately, and while I am working hard at it and have a great support system, I can’t drop 100 pounds overnight.  (If and when that miracle drug comes, I’ll be a glad participant in that study.)  Even though I do have my license back, I still have another year or two before certain jobs, companies and organizations will give me a serious look, as far as driving jobs.

I can’t blame them for ignoring me for those reasons – yes, sometimes I feel many of their objections are not only unfair, they’re irrelevant (in most cases) to the jobs I apply for, and the fact that many of my accomplishments and potential gets ignored because of my past is often BS, but I can understand the reasoning behind it.

That said, there are certain things I can control, certain things that I can do that can change how people can see me.  While a clothes shopping spree will have to wait (that money thing again), I can control how people do see me.  Shauna’s proof of that – she had been able to see something in me that was worth it; otherwise she would have dumped my sorry butt a long time ago like everyone else.  If she can see something good in me, obviously something has been there – it’s a matter of making everyone else see it.

So what does this have to do with my blog?

If I can use the internet to posts my thoughts, blog my news and share my stories, obviously other people can find and read these things as well.  Companies are now searching social networking sites, blogs, forum posts, etc. – anything you can and might do online – to see more about the you that you may not want them to know, such as your “after-hours” stuff.  There used to be a time when what you did outside of the job didn’t matter to the company – before the insurance companies got involved, and definitely before 9/11 and the internet.  People dying, getting into accidents, and getting into trouble with the law – everyone brought these job-search problems on themselves, and unfortunately people like me who want to make up for those mistakes now have a harder time doing so.

I’ve said many things that, unfortunately, offends people at the worst and makes them disagree with me at best.   As I stated on my last posting, I’ve changed a lot since many of those postings were made.  I’ve cut back on my swearing (I still do, but I’ve kept it away from a lot of people), I’ve worried about more important things (my dating life is no longer necessary blog fodder), and I can see the ridiculous-ness in some of my “more extreme” ideas.  The past I can’t change, and I feel strongly about not removing these things – when I wrote them, they were who I was then – but I’m not so important that I can’t take into consideration what others see about me.

Before Thanksgiving, my blogs on both MySpace, Facebook and here will be cleaned up, with those possibly offensive postings either hidden or removed, depending on how redundant they are.  This is both out of necessity and out of maturity – I don’t have to be my past, and can’t live in it any longer.  If I’m serious about how people see me, if I’m serious about how much I have changed, people need to see that before they will give me a chance.  There’s simply not enough Shaunas in the world, who will be patient enough to let a person grow and change as needed, to let that slip by.

So, if you see a bunch of “password-protected” blogs, or if your favorite blog is removed, at least now you know:  your favorite writer is now showing his age, wisdom, and (hopefully) maturity.

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