First off, let me say that, of and for the record, I wrote 2007 off 2 weeks ago after delivering the last of my Christmas cards – that’s how disappointed I was with my year. There was a lot of directions I was expecting things to go to, but where I am at now is not one of them. The bright side is that a few of the directions I expected to be were worse than I am now: I’m not dead, I’m not staying at a shelter, and I’m not at that place I was at a year ago.
That’s not the only bright side, although some of these came with their own dark spots. I reconnected with some old friends, although I pissed some off just enough to lose their trust, respect, and friendship. My move was not into a better place, as I can not call the place I am staying at “home” yet. I found out a lot of truths this year, both about myself and the world around me.
A lot of what has influenced these resolutions were the direct result of what has happened this year. Some of these are familiar ones that, in some cases, have been there since the first year I made any. Some are totally new. All of them, however, have at least one thing different from previous years.
- I am going to do different things this year.
Originally, this was called “I’m going to a strip club,” but I think this is a better description of what I actually was trying to say. My life has pretty much gotten into a rut: When I work, I go to work, then go home, stopping for food at some point or another. On the weekends, I’d be out at Denny’s and the theaters. When I’m not working, the only big differences is in how often I go to the movies and Denny’s, and what I do with the time I would work with.
Last year, I went to the Icehogs games, and. with a few exceptions, I had a good time. I went to a friends party, sang a little karaoke, had a good time. I even made it out to Cherryvale for the first time in years, and although it cost about, It was pretty cool. I just feel like it wasn’t enough, though.
The strip club thing is definite, and anyone who wants to help arrange for that night feel free to message me. (I suggest, if you’re wondering why this is on here, you finish reading the rest of these – I’ll get to it later.) I want to try more things, do things that get me involved with some of you, and with other people as well. If any of you have some ideas, or are planning something you wouldn’t mind having a tag-along with, let me know.
- I’m going to re-evaluate how I handle my friendships.
I can list a lot of different examples, ranging from times I ask for help to times outside of the necessary places (work, school) where we actually hung out, but I’d be beating a dead horse. I’ve got a lot of friends – some of which I only remember by either name or face – but only a handful that I can safely say are real friends: friends who don’t need a club, job, or organization such as school to be a uniting force with. There are very few I hang out with outside of work, and even fewer that I can say that we’ve hung out beyond a bar or restaurant.
Now, I already know that much of this is my own fault: first, because of my current transportation limitations, being able to go to parties or bars that are either outside of my area or are inconvenient for me is very difficult. Second, there have been plenty of times where I’ve pushed people away either by going anti-social (putting my book or headphones up at restaurants, not inviting people back to my place) or by my own bad habits and problems (Body odor being the common one). Finally, how I’ve acted, and all of the “weird” things that people complain about keep me from acceptance as well.
I’m not saying you’re not good friends – heck, some of you have gone beyond the call of friendship, which makes me feel like dirt when I have to ask for something – but a lot of you are what I would call “friend-from-a-distance”: “Yeah, he’s cool to say we know, and yeah, he’s cool to call on in a pinch, and yeah, he’s kinda cool to be with at a bar or restaurant, but invite him to a party or actually hang out with him? Are you nuts?” That is really how I feel when people I have not seen in a long time, who only saw me at school or work, come up to me at places.
As I stated, a lot of this is my fault, because I gave everyone the perception of wanting to be the loner. truth be told, though, I hate how I am, and that helps to shape how I feel about myself. When I ask for friends to work out with me, it’s because I don’t want to go to the gym alone. When I go to the theaters, I usually don’t want to be alone, in spite of how I go about doing it. I can only do so much on my end to change these things, but I am not the loner I pretend to be.
I lost a second friendship this year – and possibly more – for mishandling things, and I hate myself for it big-time. I’m not doing it anymore, but I am not going to keep myself at the hurt level either.
- I am going to lose my virginity this year.
Before anyone says it, I’ve heard a million and one reasons for how I should, and why I shouldn’t, throw it away, so don’t waste your time with it. Normally, I’d agree with this.
Of course, this year has not been a normal year, and a major surprise – in the form of handled “secrets” – changes the perspective greatly. When I made my choice to go without, it was based on anger, beliefs based on both of my parents, and the belief that I can do better. When I did attempt anything, I tried to keep it quiet, especially as I got older.
Well, I’ve grown up and found that, in spite of keeping my virginity, I am no better as a result. In many ways, I am worse: I feel very alien, for lack of better words, because of how old I am and how I went about avoiding or getting relationships. Even worse, what I tried to hide and what I did to myself I found out this year had no effect, and that they knew.
While I will spare the details of what, I have no problem with telling you why I am angry: I feel like I wasted my time. I didn’t do this for an altruistic cause, and all of the reasons for not doing this are gone. It’s time to lose it.
And for those looking for a stronger argument, here’s a thought: Being a virgin at 15 is very respectable, especially considering the number of teens doing it these days. Being a virgin at 20 is respectable and cute, as you can say you stood by your morals. Being it at 25 is cute, but the respect is beginning to go: You’ve stood your ground, but most of the people around you are getting married and having kids – the most important reason for sex in the first place. At 30, the respect is gone, the cute is gone: most women I have found DO NOT want to be someone else’s first, most women have had all of the kids they could want, and a lot of women have been burned to a point that even if it were believable, it’s disturbing. Time to grow up.
- I will get my life in order.
This is the big three: Weight loss, license back, living on my own again. Enough said.
Ok, you want more, so you got more: what I have learned in the last three months play key to all three, and all three tie together. Two of them, weight and no license, are key factors in my lack of solid work. All three problems create social turn-offs, especially in finding a girlfriend – after all, who would want to date a loser without a car, obese at an age where it could kill him, and living with either friends or his mom?
Fortunately, I learned things with all three that will make these things a lot easier to accomplish. Not perfect, but close enough.
- I will change my “personal” habits.
Anything I say on this will sound either sick and disgusting, or sugar-coated, so I’ll be frank about this: While I have done everything more often than people realize, I never really disciplined myself to do so. Having stayed with people kinda opened me up to that.
- No no projects or promises until I complete the ones I have out already.
Every year I come up with various ideas for various different things, from books/movies/music, to new inventions, to new ways to do things, and so on. My big problem here is that I always fail to complete them. So the intention this year is to complete my projects first, before talking anything new or getting anyone involved.
These are the things I feel are preventing me from really living my life, that keep me feeling alien, and keep me in a depressed state. If I don’t change now, I may not get another chance: At the weight I am at, I could be dead before the end of the year. So, this is no longer a case of I-post-it-and-forget-about-it: If I fail, I may not get another chance.
Time to get serious.