Catch-22

This is a thought I had earlier this week, a piece into the reasoning why I have a difficult time dating. It came about as I was debating about asking a couple of women out to do something. One is a theatre manager who was one I spoke with about bringing a video camera to the theaters to shoot footage that as ultimately scrapped from the video I sent to audition for the Biggest Loser. (The scrapping was mainly due to not being able to edit the footage – my iMac would not recognize the camera.) The other is on my friends list, and because of that, any info I disclose is too risky to revealing that person – something I wouldn’t do, even if I had the permission of the person to do so.

It involves a view I have. I can’t ask strangers out, because I am that uncomfortable with people. I can act, give speeches, sing and perform, even joke around and include them in conversation, but there’s no way in hell I could ask a person that I don’t know out, because I could never be that comfortable with them.

The problem is that, in many cases, in order to be comfortable with them, I have to view them as a friend first. The reason why this is a problem, from past experience, is that whenever I ask a friend out, I’ve not only lost any chance of a relationship with them, I have also eventually lost my friendship with them as well. Sometimes it was because I pushed too hard at the relationship, sometimes it was because I pushed them away, and on more than a few occasions it was pushed away by misunderstandings either on my end or caused by me. In any case, I lose a piece of me, that part of them I held so high broken down by that smashing barrier that erects itself when I ask the question.

It’s mainly because of this that I won’t ask a crush out, because all of the people I have a crush on are friends with whom I see something very special in, something that stands out and makes me want to keep them as friends. This has, in the past, hurt me: on more than a few occasions I have seen friends get married that I would have loved to have been next to, but because I was afraid of losing that connection, that friendship, they found someone else. The only bright side is that every one of them found someone I could see as being a better guy to have around than myself, and I don’t have to worry about hearing about them getting abused or mistreated as result of my inaction.

I am learning – very slowly, I will add – how to get around these problems, and hope that maybe someday this thing will be a thing of the past for me. Most of the friends whom I have on my list but have never met in real life are the positive results of this, and although we’re just friends now – usually circumstance dictating why we can not date now, such as distance – many of them I could see as GFs. That said, I try not to BS people (sorry if you’re not informed of this) that realistically, I most likely am not moving from the cities I live and work in right now, and that a relationship beyond friendship is right now beyond my means. As for the ones here, I have had enough feedback from people whom I’ve either met or chatted with to know where to focus my improvements on, and because many of these improvements can not happen overnight, I don’t want to date right now. This mainly because I don’t want to ruin something that could be a damn good thing because I am learning how to cope and deal with a relationship.

(And yes, this is why I want to “lose it” soon – you would be surprised how many relationships never took off for me because of my lack of experience, and you’d also be surprised by how many friends have broken up their relationships simply because the sex wasn’t that good. Love is, from what I have seen, a culmination of many strong ties between two people, and loves failure stems from those ties not being strong enough. Sex is one of those ties, one of the most intimate acts a person can give of themselves.)

I suppose eventually I will come around this aspect in my life, figure out how I will get past it, and become something meaningful to more than myself. I suppose someday I’ll get around this Catch-22 and date someone I strongly like. Until then, I stay the ever-present observer of life, working out my problems and watching and learning from those around me.

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