Not-So-Random Thoughts for February 3rd, 2007

So here it is, an hour before what will probably be the greatest Super Bowl so far in my life (providing, of course, that the Bears win), watching the pre-game on my 32-inch Standard-Definition TV at home, by myself, no party or great plans.  I look outside, and what I can see is the sun going down, teasing me, trying to get me to come outside, saying, “It’s nice out here.”  All I need to do is look at the ice-white ground that is normally dark grey to pitch black, riddled with lots of little white flakes, from inside ice-covered, Icebox-cool windows to see that only the insane would even consider walking outside on this day.  If the Bears don’t win on a day like today, where even in Miami it’s rainy outside, with a forecast of the 70’s and rain in Miami, I think even God would be disappointed.  (Wish I was there.)
Of course, most of you won’t see this until well after the game is over, when I am buried under sheets and quilts, trying to keep my butt warm, so you won’t know how much I wish I had a car until well after its over.  If I had the money, I’d have left 20 minutes ago on the last bus to try to hang out at a bar where the game would be showing, cheering and booing alongside every other fan.  Hopefully, I’d have enough sense to have found my Black winter hat; otherwise, I’d receive a lot of ridicule from the ignorance of people who can not see that clothes are clothes, as the green packers hat, that I wear with the “G” logo turned on the inside so that it’s hopefully hidden, but the green would still be a problem.
Anyways, enough boring talk, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve said anything on my mind, so here we go…

Work, Weeks 3 and 4:  I had a realization this past week, while being interviewed for a full-time digital output position.  (For those who don’t work where I work or have no understanding of printing books, DO is the area where we take all our digital files – the text, graphics, layouts, etc. – and send them to the plate drivers, where the plates that will be used to create the prints are created.)  during this interview, I was asked about my strengths and weaknesses, my good sides and bad sides.
What I realized is that everything right now really is not revolving around work.  All the negative BS, all the bad feelings I have, are a result of stress that is caused by my long days with work.
In short, the Bus system I use to get to and from work is both my biggest asset and biggest problem in my life.
The schedule allows me to work 12+hours a day, doing hours no other sane person would do, and being able to accomplish more, due to lack of distraction, than most people work.  From 12 at night to 6 in the morning, I have nothing more than peace, and it’s usually when I do my best.
This is, of course, when two factors don’t come into play: exhaustion from being up from 3 in the afternoon until – often times – 9 in the morning, and everyone working a normal schedule is not work until 3 and coming in at 4-5 in the morning.  either factor complicates my day, and unfortunately, makes my good days few and far between.
This is, of course, why I want to move the most.  I’ve had more than a few offers to help, and I’ve had to turn them down because I live farther away than would be fair to ask them to take me.  The few who live in my area either work in other departments, on first shift, or have other factors that prevent them from being a reliable source of transportation.  If I lived closer to work, even if it was off the bus-line, it’d easier for work, for my friends, and hopefully for me to get my license back.
So what, right now, is keeping me from moving?  A promise.  I promised myself not be like my parents, and in a few areas I have lived that promise fully.  In my finances, however, I have done poorly, and at more than one time was I considering moving out while owing my current landlord.
my attitude has shifted since then, thanks to my never-there dad.  You see, for a few months, he actually lived in the building I live in, and -from what I have heard – he has actually seen me.  (This, in spite of the fact that I personally have never met him.)  You see, he left here owing my landlord, who has for the past 8 years both been a pain in the neck and a helpful bright spot in my messes.
My dad left owing my landlord.  I can’t do that.
So, when I return to work on Monday, I come in with new perspective.  I will more likely than not being saving my income tax check, as that will be the majority of the deposit for a new place when i move, if not new furnishings to replace some junk I currently have.  I think I have a way to get myself back on track with him – and hopefully, eventually, in a good position to move out, possibly driving out of here the same way I drove into here years ago.
Sorry, my fellow friends and coworkers, if I am an unbearable ass in between.
A Womanless Life:  I have a fear associated with my weight loss and success.  It involves women.
You see, right now, there’s not a woman who would even consider saying that they are dating me.  Most women avoid me even when I say something as simple and as nice as “hello.”  Most of the women who are nice either have to be because of work, see me as “just a friend”, or have somebody in their lives to whom I could not (nor, in many cases, would I want to) compare to.  The few who are nice who have no reason to be nice still – I think – see me as, at most, a friend, and nothing more.
So what insane reason could I possibly have for seeing anything to fear in changing my income and lifestyle?  Finding someone who is fake, who should not be in my life.    finding someone whom, at my lowest points in my life, would never even give me the time of day, yet who would be right there to try to claim success with me when they don’t deserve it.
Yes, it’s greedy, it’s pathetic and selfish.  Is it really that wrong of me to want to find someone who would like to rise with me?  Personally, I don’t think so, but you’d have to see it from what I have seen.  I am used to seeing marriages fail and friends become enemies because the bad stuff going on in their lives are things they really can not weather.  I definitely don’t want or need that in my life.
This brings a few debates to my mind.  The first is whether to even consider dating right now, or wait until I am healthier physically, mentally, and financially.  Considering the amount of rejection I get, however, that one may be decided for me.
It brings up the next one, though:  do I even bother to ask any of my crushes right now?  This one is the harder one to answer, because it has a number of factors involved.  First is my decision not to date:  Do I break that to ask someone who may say no, in spite of being a friend?  Then there is the fact that, with the exception of one person right now, they are friends:  Asking them may make a strain in that relationship, especially if we do date.
It makes waiting an easy decision, but then comes this prospect:  what if, after I get skinny and become successful, do I find women flocking me?  I could never trust most of them, because as I stated before, they were never there when I was at my lowest; yet could I trust myself to be there for them at their lowest?  How would I know, not having dated that much in my life, if they’re really there for me and not there for my success, my fame or my money (should either of those come into play)?
This is, of course, why I may leave a womanless life.  If I decide to wait, be it with my crushes (all of whom I feel deserve someone good in their life) or with everyone, the few people whom I think would be there for me now may not be available for me when I finally get my life in gear.  Would there be anyone I could trust at that point?
Just something to think about, though…
Since I was writing this up until the second quarter of the game, I figured I would keep track of what happened.  So, during the game:  Hester scored first TD on kickoff…  Chris Harris gets first interception of the game.  Indianapolis scores, but fails to get the extra point.  After wild kickoff loss, the Bears get the ball back and get down to the end zone for another TD.  Bears Lead 14-6.  Time to watch the game… Go Bears, and see you soon.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s