Hell has brought its face forward in my world, bringing pain of the physical and mental kinds. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been spinning out of control for a while now. (Some of you may very well agree – especially you readers, the few, the proud – the insane, perhaps?) As i am writing this, I don’t even have a clue as to what the hell I am going to do or how the hell I am going to work.
I just know what I am good at: Solving problems and making plans. So, I am plotting my course as I type this. Let’s see if I manage to stick to it.
First and foremost, this door is closed for a while, and I am not available. I was hoping to find someone whom I could travel the road back to the top with, but the reality is that no one wants to ride it with me – and I’m fine with that. Society will not bend to my whim, and although I’m still going to do things my way, I’m going to have to give in some.
That said, the door is not locked. I’m not going to be looking – but if you want to hook up with me, I’ll let you in, if I am available.
The rule changes are as follows:
- If you remind me of bad habits either I or my parents have/had, forget it – there’s no chance in hell it will happen.
- I’m not approaching you. I’m tired of that route.
- If you don’t think you can be with me when I am low, don’t try – I really hate feeling hurt by people who do.
- If I say that the door’s open, don’t burn me on it. If there’s something you’re not telling me, tell me – I will more than understand. If you can’t feel comfortable with, how can I do that with you?
That’s it. No more games, no more bullcrap about it. I want someone i can trust, have fun with, be myself with. I’ll be as loyal to you as you are to me, and although I expect to mess up – and mess up big – If we’re committed, if we’re really dating, I’m not going to break from you.
I am so sick and tired of feeling drained, feeling sick and tired and hurt. I am tired of feeling like I stand out in a crowd. I am sick and tired of feeling like I can’t participate, like i can’t keep up or even try. I want to be able to live again. I want to be able to fit in my clothes again, to look good for once, to feel good for once. I’ve not known this type of feeling for a long time, but now, I really feel that this is what I missed the most as a child: feeling good.
I view what I have – the bad habits, the obesity and sickly look – as a disease. I’ll be honest: I am scared. I’m scared these diseases will kill me before I do anything about them. I’m scared that, when I do, I will be alone. I’m scared I’m going to do something stupid before I get a chance to do anything.
My first major goal is to lose 50 pounds by the end of the year. Before anyone criticizes me for not making it one hundred, understand this: I’m being very realistic with who I am. I’m over 400 lb., by a good portion, and know that losing 100 lb. in 6 months is reasonable, but I also know how I am, and how difficult it is for me to break my habits of eating. 50 lb. gives me a fighting chance to lose a fair amount and still mess up.
I have not decided what I will do, but I setting the first major interval at 50 lbs, which currently sits at 365 lb. (I weigh 415 lb. as of July 6th.) I would like to do a party or celebration of some sort, something that didn’t involve food alone. (What’s the sense in losing 50 lbs in 6 months to regain half of it in one night?) Want to do something fun, so any ideas you have might be welcome. (That’s for both you on-and-off-liners.)
Here’s where I toss it to everyone else: Challenge me, or join me. If you challenge me, you’ll be one of the many who will come up with the terms of loss if I fail to lose within 5 lb. of that 50 by December 31st. If I win, however, you have to come up with your own terms of what you will do.
If you join me, you’ll be joining a club, a group of people who will help each other out. I’ve been debating this for a while, and I’m going to try to organize something for this. Set your goal, and your time limit, and your terms of success and failure. You’ll have my support in this.
Other things to note: because of the way I am approaching this, I plan to find a new doctor and dietician within the next 3 months. I’m not doing Atkins, Subway, South Beach, or any other diet to do this; nor am I going to staple or suck my stomach. Instead, I plan to focus on the problems surrounding my weight loss, and to do something to overcome those problems.
I’m open to ideas and suggestions, other than for what I have noted. I’d like to set small goals upon either a timely interval – 5 lb. in a month, for example – or by lb. – say, what I will do if I lose 30 lb. If you have something better, though, let me know.
- I will have a payment on my fines for my license before the end of the year. Since it’s come to a head that no one will accept me on my terms, this is one of the terms I will secede. I wanted to save it for second to last, but with 2 big medical bills above $3,000, there’s no sense in putting it off any longer. At least if I can drive, I can start making a normal life for myself.
- All of my minor bills will be taken care of before I go after the three big ones. The good thing is that they’re all small enough to be done in a check or two.
- I will be out of my apartment before the end of the year. This falls more to health than to finances, but I’ve not moved out because I do too many stupid things that cost me money, and I don’t save. If I move out, I will have had to save money to do it.
- My projects are going to narrow down to moneymakers. Anything that I know I won’t get to for a year or so will be sold or put away.
- My book will be out before the end of November. This goes in with 4, but it’s the only personal project, outside of rebuilding my life, that will make me money.
- Finally, I will be taking a trip next summer. Where to, I don’t know yet. I’ve always wanted to visit the west coast, but I also have plenty of the East coast to visit, and I want to revisit my grandfather in Georgia and go to New York City on my own.
How I control my money is the worst area I have in terms of bad habits. I’m not good with saving money, I’m not good with controlling myself, and I need to learn to break this. No one’s going to give me a chance if I’m a broke loser.
The Non-category Category
A few other things I will work on this year:
- I am going to learn how to forgive. I tend to hold grudges longer than I like, and I close of people who do little things to irritate me. Furthermore, some of these grudges I hold have eaten up me, making it impossible to have fun and live life. I know people make stupid mistakes – hell, I was created from one – but I need to move on.
- I’m going to stop swearing. This is light, especially for me, but i’d almost be willing to bet that I scare away potential friends and employers/coworkers by how I talk. I don’t believe that people should be censored at all; however, i don’t believe in abusing a privilege either. I’m not a kid; i need to stop acting like one.
- I’m going to give people reason to like and believe in me again. I feel like I lost the faith of those who put me up so high and gave me a fighting chance where I had none before. It’s my turn to show that their efforts were appreciated.
- If there’s a reasonable way of doing this, I am going to lose my virginity before the end of the year. I realize this may confuse some of you, and you may even disagree with it, but I have many reasons for this. First, I feel that some of my more unacceptable behavior – talking about nude things, acting like a horny teenager – is a direct result of shutting myself away from every potential date. Second – and I might just be afraid of my own ghost here – I am afraid i will do something stupid and hurt someone because of this. Third, I’d actually like to wake up next to someone for once, and – obviously – if I’m not a virgin, I probably would have done this. I’m not going to take drastic measures to do this, but if I shoot for this, maybe I could come close to succeeding with not being alone.
- I’m going to learn to bite my tongue and keep things quiet. Remember that virginity thing above? I bet you that one of the reasons why i’ve yet to lose it, yet to have a Girlfriend, is that everyone who knows about it is afraid that, when I do finally lose it, everyone will know not only that I did, but with who and when. If I had kept my mouth shut in the first place, I might have lost it by now. Best example I have for doing that one – I know I wouldn’t spill the beans on who did it or when when it finally does happen, but who’s going to believe that when I do the opposite thing to convince them.
- I’m going to try to make myself more socially acceptable. I know I don’t relate well to people, be it because there’s a lot I’ve never done/tried; and I know there’s things I won’t do unless I have to. I also know that I’m lonely, and that by not participating in things or by closing myself off the way that I do, I keep people away from me that might otherwise like having me around. So, I need to change this.
- I’m doing more get-togethers. This thing we did last Friday night at ruby tuesdays was reallly fun, and I would like to do more things like that, be it dinner, movies, sports games, whatever. I don’t need to be drunk or high to have a good time, I just need to be around good friends who like to have fun. I have to agree with Dani on this: We should do stuff like that more often.
- If I manage to do at least 60% of these items – all of them – by the end of the year, I will have succeeded. That’s how I’m going to define win and loss here – I have a tall order of a mixture of large and small things I have to do. If I manage to pull 60% of these things off within the time specified, I should have no trouble either coming up with more things to do or succeeding at them.
I’ve done so much to fall so far in my life, that i can’t blame anyone for rejecting me or throwing me away. I’ve been hurt by this many times by many people, and I deserve every bit of it. I’ve beat myself up too much as a result.
I still have plenty I need to do. I need to get back into college, I need to quit beating up on myself, I need to be able to drive – the list goes on. I need to do something first, though, and if I succeed at these, I can start to concentrate on the bigger picture items. After all, I know that if I’m proving that I can succeed, people are going to be more willing to help me succeed.
This isn’t going to be an easy thing. I expect to mess up repeatedly between now and then. I don’t expect all of you to follow my journey, or to watch or help me to succeed. Don’t give up on me yet, though. I will prove this to you. I promise.
I waited to post this for 3 days, and then an extra day to the MySpace and Yahoo blogs, because part of this I wrote in anger and hurt. If I feel this way three days from now, you will know it.