This post, which was started on Monday, is a collection of thoughts that I’ve been going through since Sunday night. A friend of mine and I had a discussion as to what the other’s role in this is. Needless to say, not only did I guess wrong, I almost screwed up yet another friendship.
So, I’ve been thinking heavily about a lot of things, relationships and all, and have some things i feel the need to say.


First off, no, I was nowhere near this thought in terms of the screw-up (which is a good thing, because I’m certain if she was going to get rid of me for coming as close as I did to this, I surely would have lost the friendship.) there is no one I am currently even close enough to consider marrying, and I don’t think it will happen for a long time yet.

So why have I been thinking about it? Well, at the age that I am at, I’m coming close to getting ready to settle down, and I have always felt that it was an important factor in my life. The person who should have been my dad – aka the donor to my life – did marry twice, possibly a third time, maybe more. (I’m only certain of the first two: My mom and the mother of my half-siblings.) Neither of these, from the stories I have heard of him, were for either love or true commitment: My mom was abused by him, and on the day I was born, he left her crying needing a ride to the E.R. to deliver me while he went and did something. He was never there as a father, and that is very important to me. It’s the biggest reason why i made the rules that I did long ago.

One of the things that has scared me, though, is if I’d even be able to see this through. I have seen too many of my friends divorce and dump each other, oftentimes for stupid and silly reasons, and sometimes, because they realize the reasons they got together were silly and stupid. I was always afraid that I could never live up to being who I feel I should be – still don’t – and I was afraid i’d find the wrong people for me. I think I figured that the best way to beat the system, put the odds of being in a successful marriage in my favor, was to create a system to know who’d be right for me. I looked at the problems in my parents relationship, the things I would grow to hate, such as the drug and alcohol, the abuse, both physical and verbal, as well as things I hated about myself.

I won’t say that my idea was bad – considering this all started when I was 13, I’d say it was a damn good thing to do; more importantly, in many areas, it was the right thing to do. Had I not done so, I could be in the same shoes my father decided to wear, with kids and ex-wives who hate me, possibly with a disease such as AIDS, and the type of criminal record I would hate to have.

The trade-off – which, to me, has caused a great deal of pain – is that it’s one of the larger reasons why i never became socially adept, or as my sister would put it, ‘street-smart.’ I put work above parties and gatherings, school instead of fun; only during a few activities did I actually participate. I didn’t date – did try, but because I didn’t try as often as my friends did, I never picked up the skills to actually going out on a date. I put what my father did for me as the first sin.

What has this caused? For starters, confusion, as I never know how to tell how a person really feels about me until I have messed up and lost yet another friend. (Right now, the tab is at three: A girl I had a crush on in High school; the woman who taught me how to drive in the first place; and the girl that, for reasons I am unsure of, I lost.) Fear of rejection, something most males my age have already gotten past or dealt with, has stayed with me. Most of all, loneliness, as I have a lot of good and true friends, but not that partner, that wife I’m looking for. I come home to an empty apartment, and have no reason to clean, to put up anything beyond a minimalist effort, to appease appearance – basically, to keep me from being arrested for going out in public in the buff.

Anger and resentment have settled in as well, and is often the reasons why I am depressed. Anger at the parents who chose to think with their organs first, and not with their heads or hearts. Anger at the people who helped to make the few relationships I tried to have difficult, if not impossible. Anger at those who’d reject me and yet at the same time make fun of the problem I have. Resentment in the fact that these people would rather be in a relationship with a cute person who abuses them over a big person who’d try his best not.

I often find myself wondering if all of this is worth it, if i shouldn’t just try to normal life and mess up, and more and more, I’m beginning to see my choices as less important. I won’t discuss what or how I keep myself from needing a woman, but my body has been “in heat” for a long time. (Sometimes, this is not a good thing, as it brings out a lot of perverse thoughts, some of which people actually see.) So, physically, not only is the weight a hell to deal with, but my hormones are as well – you begin to feel like that dog you see in some cartoons humping the leg. Mentally, the need to have someone to talk to when I wake up near or next to me, as well as someone to “play with.” (Someone have an adult term for this? I don’t have anything that’s non-sexual, except for “live with.”)

What really bugs me about this, apart from all of the loneliness and hurt I receive, is that I’m noticing something of a trend in my lifetime. When my grandparents grew up, marriage meant that you took the best and the worst times and you dealt with things. My mom’s generation was somewhat the same, with understandable differences of extremes, such as abuse and neglect, and some non-understandable ones as well. Nowadays, I hear about divorces for so many little things that do add up together yet the whole doesn’t make it worth it. It seems that my beliefs in marriage are a minority, and a lot of people are for themselves.

But what can I do? My belief in this subject area, shown through loving grandparents, an Uncle with a lot of wisdom and respect, and a mother whose longest relationship never resulted in marriage, is probably not going to change. Marriage, to me, is a partnership of two people who care about and love each other, help each other, have fun with each other, through the best and the worst of times. I’d rather find someone now, while I am as low as I’ve let myself slip, than later, when I might be in the best of my times. Why? Because people don’t leave each other when everything is going good for both of them. I don’t ditch friends because they’re homeless, or in trouble with someone; I ditch them because I felt that they’ve wronged me. That doesn’t change anyone else, though, which makes me leery of a lot of people. If you can’t give me a chance now, what happens if tomorrow I win the lotto, come into inheritence, or actually do something that makes me rich? What happens if I actually climb out of the hole I’m in? It’s easy to go for the people who are doing well; it’s harder to find some who will stick with you when you’re low.

It’s part of the reason why I think I should just be a loner, stick to what I am. I rarely find someone that I could see myself being with for the rest of my life; and when I do, they’re taken. Why should I bother with anyone if no one else wants me around? Should I waste my time with them after I dig myself out? It leaves me sad to think sometimes that I may have to do that, because what I see is a lot of hypocrisy.

Dig Deep

I can’t blame everyone for this, though. It’s hard to judge society and say that it’s wrong when you’re just as wrong as they are. Can you blame someone for rejecting you when you’re down in the dumps? Yeah, if you’re doing everything you can to dig yourself out and they can’t see it. It’s something I’ve always known, and have had to put up with, being overweight: It takes a lot of time and effort to show some sort of change. Sure, they can see it in a few weeks time, but it doesn’t happen overnight.

Where I am at, though, is on the opposite end of the spectrum. I feel, even when I am doing something, that it is often not enough; and that I need to be doing more. The problem is the amount of problems I have to juggle to fix. Sometimes I just can not focus because this problem over here needs me more than that problem over there. I’ve put my finances, my fat, my friendships, my life on the side to serve my job, my projects, or something else. So I have absolutely no room to bitch about the problems in my life: I let them happen. Plain and simple.

I’m used to telling myself, you’re going to do this or you’ve gotta do that.

It’s time I do it.

Over this weekend, I plan on figuring out some way to juggle everything that’s wrong, figure out some sort of plan to fix the problems in my life, so that I can move out of the hole I am in and into something people will like me as. I can’t blame you for my problems when I haven’t done enough to fix them.

So what is this all about then? All of this rambling, chaotic confusion?

It’s me saying that now is the time to wake up.


5 thoughts on “Awake

  1. Choose, Neo. The blue pill, or the red pill?

    Seriously, though…I feel your pain, and although I’ve been socially accepted( my own sheer hatred for everyone seems to draw people to me ), I’ve been through and thought about most everything you talk about.

    It’s not an easy world we live in — and though it may sound bad — we should all be self-serving first. Other people can wait, if they can’t screw them. What’s more important is ourself as an individual. Why do we really strive for companionship? What drives humankind to seek out others? While I surely cannot answer that I will say that I, personally, have lead a life without many relationships( or meaningful ones, at least ) and often have found myself wondering if I was doing the right things, living the right life. I always ask myself “Would the Goth Anthony approve of this?”. I used to be a little gothic kid. Wore all black, shaved head, barbed wire bracelets( actual rusty barbed wire ) and necklace. Seven chains down my legs at the height of it all, completely withdrawn…sociopath. I release not that I was happy then. Strange. As an individual who truly hated himself, I was actually happier. Why? I didn’t care. Plain and simple. I cared for nothing and relatively noone.

    As far as marriage goes, I wouldn’t rush into it( in fact, I’ve been engaged for going on three years now lol ). Give yourself and your perspective partner time to make sure the situation is right for both of you. In the three years I’ve been engaged, I know exactly who and what I’m dealing with. I know that she’d stay with me no matter what happened. That’s the only way to go….slow. Live your life while can, then get married and let someone else do it for you. 🙂

  2. First of all, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re not happy with something about yourself then change it. People make this huge deal about change and how traumatic it is…BS. Life is change,learn to deal with it. Second…learn to be happy with yourself. Who cares if somebody doesn’t like who you are or what you look like? There are PLENTY of people out there who will like it, trust me on that one. I’m 28 with 3 kids from a previous marriage (ex was abusive),overweight, have bouts of depression, was diagnosed with panic disorder, have some wicked pms, and am a little…uh….eccentric, to say the least. How many guys would look at that and think “Ohhh yeahhhhhh….I wanna get in on that!”? Not a lot. So what? Why should that bother me? If they can’t accept that then I don’t want them in my life anyway. Third…don’t dwell on what your family did to you. Everybody’s family is screwed in one way or another,the point is you survived it and seem to be ok…..and you should be that much stronger for it. Fourth….marriage is the LAST thing you should be thinking about, set your goals at just meeting somebody decent (and YES we are out there) that you can ejoy being with. I’ve seen too many marriages fail becuase they got married just to be getting married, like it’s just something you DO. Marriage is sacred and should be treated as such. One thousand five hundred and seventy eighth..heheh…. don’t take life so seriously,learn to enjoy what you have and look forward to things that are to come. Let everything else just roll off your back. We’re only here for a short time, make the most of it.

  3. Anthony, the marruage thing was to drive a point. when I go into a relationship, I try to look as far down the road as I can to see if this might be the person I want to spend my life with. if I feell that the person will bolt with the first thing going wrong, or if I see that person keeping me where I am at or allowing/making me worse, She’ll never have a chance. I think that, all too often, couples get married for the wrong reasons, don’t try to make things work when the world is collapsing around them, and seperate for the wrong pretenses. It’s the fact that people judge me different from this that bothers me, because there are many whose only problem is their attitude and judgement of me.

    The whole thing was to say that, rather than expect others to live by my rules, that I give in to some of their rules too. If I truly believe that marriage is a partnership, then maybe I’m not being a good enough and truly supportive partner. I have no one I’m even close enough to that I could consider marriage – right now, I’d settle on losing my virginity big-time – but what happens if I find the right girl tomorrow, or next, or next month, and the only thing I did was to skywalker?

    So, as I was saying, I’m finally waking up to this fact. And, I have a lot to do.

    Sara, If I saw you in a restaurant eating garbage food, you’d never here from unless you were with friends. If I saw you at a buffet, I’d pass. I don’t care if you’re overweight or not; I’m a big fat mofo. The thing is, though, I hate being a big fat mofo, and I don’t want to be in enviroments and with people that will support my problems. So if I saw you at the same restaurant eating salad, or at the grocery store shopping for good food, or a Gymnasium, The only thing that’d stop me – apart from how you interact with people – is how much of a chicken I am.

    Do I feel sorry for myself? Partially. There’s no way I could have stopped the cards dealt to me, or I’d have sliced that hand off right now.. It’s not that I feel sorry at all, really; I feel more frustrated and lonely than sorry.

    Anyway, I’m going to bed – see you soon. (And Sara, leave me an Email addy at – i’m kinda toying with an idea, if I can manage the time to do it. Anthony, I know how to reach you. LOL)

  4. Ok, but we’re not talking about me. I have been overweight all my life,but I’m not one of these women that just drift through life not giving a damn. I’m very active, I take care of myself, eat pretty healthy (I need the occaisonal steak though lol). I’ve gained a little recently but am currently taking action to get rid of it. Sorry but I kind of felt the need to defend myself there.
    So what if you AREa “big fat mofo”? Some women prefer bigger guys,and that doesn’t necessarily mean muscular. I’m one of them and I have several friends that feel the same way. We like something to hold, and if you hug somebody you don’t want to feel like you’re hugging yourself.(I have a tendency to ramble) Anyway, if you’re not happy with yourself then do something about it. Trust me, the first step is the hardest…but you develop the routine and the rest is cake. heheh

  5. Sara, don’t defend yourself – we’re not that far off from what we’re saying to each other. When I judge looks, the only instant no’s are the supermodels, the too old and the too young. After that, it’s down to behavior.

    Fat people are the most dfficuult to judge, because you don’tknow how long or how hard they work at it. That’s why behavior is a good judgement area: what they are eating or not doing, how they are interacting,etc. I can easily look past the fact of someone eating a big cake or Sundae because they’re celebrating something, but if they’re gorging themselves, you you’ll see that too.

    As for me being big, Looks are only a part of why I ant to lose it. It affects my moods, and it makes me sick in a literal sense. I hate feeling drained, tired, and miserable. I just have a difficult time keeping myself focused on this stuff, which is why I do more bitching and not enough action.

    I wrote this because I was mad at a few things. Now, I just need to do it.

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