This post, which was started on Monday, is a collection of thoughts that I’ve been going through since Sunday night. A friend of mine and I had a discussion as to what the other’s role in this is. Needless to say, not only did I guess wrong, I almost screwed up yet another friendship.
So, I’ve been thinking heavily about a lot of things, relationships and all, and have some things i feel the need to say.
First off, no, I was nowhere near this thought in terms of the screw-up (which is a good thing, because I’m certain if she was going to get rid of me for coming as close as I did to this, I surely would have lost the friendship.) there is no one I am currently even close enough to consider marrying, and I don’t think it will happen for a long time yet.
So why have I been thinking about it? Well, at the age that I am at, I’m coming close to getting ready to settle down, and I have always felt that it was an important factor in my life. The person who should have been my dad – aka the donor to my life – did marry twice, possibly a third time, maybe more. (I’m only certain of the first two: My mom and the mother of my half-siblings.) Neither of these, from the stories I have heard of him, were for either love or true commitment: My mom was abused by him, and on the day I was born, he left her crying needing a ride to the E.R. to deliver me while he went and did something. He was never there as a father, and that is very important to me. It’s the biggest reason why i made the rules that I did long ago.
One of the things that has scared me, though, is if I’d even be able to see this through. I have seen too many of my friends divorce and dump each other, oftentimes for stupid and silly reasons, and sometimes, because they realize the reasons they got together were silly and stupid. I was always afraid that I could never live up to being who I feel I should be – still don’t – and I was afraid i’d find the wrong people for me. I think I figured that the best way to beat the system, put the odds of being in a successful marriage in my favor, was to create a system to know who’d be right for me. I looked at the problems in my parents relationship, the things I would grow to hate, such as the drug and alcohol, the abuse, both physical and verbal, as well as things I hated about myself.
I won’t say that my idea was bad – considering this all started when I was 13, I’d say it was a damn good thing to do; more importantly, in many areas, it was the right thing to do. Had I not done so, I could be in the same shoes my father decided to wear, with kids and ex-wives who hate me, possibly with a disease such as AIDS, and the type of criminal record I would hate to have.
The trade-off – which, to me, has caused a great deal of pain – is that it’s one of the larger reasons why i never became socially adept, or as my sister would put it, ‘street-smart.’ I put work above parties and gatherings, school instead of fun; only during a few activities did I actually participate. I didn’t date – did try, but because I didn’t try as often as my friends did, I never picked up the skills to actually going out on a date. I put what my father did for me as the first sin.
What has this caused? For starters, confusion, as I never know how to tell how a person really feels about me until I have messed up and lost yet another friend. (Right now, the tab is at three: A girl I had a crush on in High school; the woman who taught me how to drive in the first place; and the girl that, for reasons I am unsure of, I lost.) Fear of rejection, something most males my age have already gotten past or dealt with, has stayed with me. Most of all, loneliness, as I have a lot of good and true friends, but not that partner, that wife I’m looking for. I come home to an empty apartment, and have no reason to clean, to put up anything beyond a minimalist effort, to appease appearance – basically, to keep me from being arrested for going out in public in the buff.
Anger and resentment have settled in as well, and is often the reasons why I am depressed. Anger at the parents who chose to think with their organs first, and not with their heads or hearts. Anger at the people who helped to make the few relationships I tried to have difficult, if not impossible. Anger at those who’d reject me and yet at the same time make fun of the problem I have. Resentment in the fact that these people would rather be in a relationship with a cute person who abuses them over a big person who’d try his best not.
I often find myself wondering if all of this is worth it, if i shouldn’t just try to normal life and mess up, and more and more, I’m beginning to see my choices as less important. I won’t discuss what or how I keep myself from needing a woman, but my body has been “in heat” for a long time. (Sometimes, this is not a good thing, as it brings out a lot of perverse thoughts, some of which people actually see.) So, physically, not only is the weight a hell to deal with, but my hormones are as well – you begin to feel like that dog you see in some cartoons humping the leg. Mentally, the need to have someone to talk to when I wake up near or next to me, as well as someone to “play with.” (Someone have an adult term for this? I don’t have anything that’s non-sexual, except for “live with.”)
What really bugs me about this, apart from all of the loneliness and hurt I receive, is that I’m noticing something of a trend in my lifetime. When my grandparents grew up, marriage meant that you took the best and the worst times and you dealt with things. My mom’s generation was somewhat the same, with understandable differences of extremes, such as abuse and neglect, and some non-understandable ones as well. Nowadays, I hear about divorces for so many little things that do add up together yet the whole doesn’t make it worth it. It seems that my beliefs in marriage are a minority, and a lot of people are for themselves.
But what can I do? My belief in this subject area, shown through loving grandparents, an Uncle with a lot of wisdom and respect, and a mother whose longest relationship never resulted in marriage, is probably not going to change. Marriage, to me, is a partnership of two people who care about and love each other, help each other, have fun with each other, through the best and the worst of times. I’d rather find someone now, while I am as low as I’ve let myself slip, than later, when I might be in the best of my times. Why? Because people don’t leave each other when everything is going good for both of them. I don’t ditch friends because they’re homeless, or in trouble with someone; I ditch them because I felt that they’ve wronged me. That doesn’t change anyone else, though, which makes me leery of a lot of people. If you can’t give me a chance now, what happens if tomorrow I win the lotto, come into inheritence, or actually do something that makes me rich? What happens if I actually climb out of the hole I’m in? It’s easy to go for the people who are doing well; it’s harder to find some who will stick with you when you’re low.
It’s part of the reason why I think I should just be a loner, stick to what I am. I rarely find someone that I could see myself being with for the rest of my life; and when I do, they’re taken. Why should I bother with anyone if no one else wants me around? Should I waste my time with them after I dig myself out? It leaves me sad to think sometimes that I may have to do that, because what I see is a lot of hypocrisy.
I can’t blame everyone for this, though. It’s hard to judge society and say that it’s wrong when you’re just as wrong as they are. Can you blame someone for rejecting you when you’re down in the dumps? Yeah, if you’re doing everything you can to dig yourself out and they can’t see it. It’s something I’ve always known, and have had to put up with, being overweight: It takes a lot of time and effort to show some sort of change. Sure, they can see it in a few weeks time, but it doesn’t happen overnight.
Where I am at, though, is on the opposite end of the spectrum. I feel, even when I am doing something, that it is often not enough; and that I need to be doing more. The problem is the amount of problems I have to juggle to fix. Sometimes I just can not focus because this problem over here needs me more than that problem over there. I’ve put my finances, my fat, my friendships, my life on the side to serve my job, my projects, or something else. So I have absolutely no room to bitch about the problems in my life: I let them happen. Plain and simple.
I’m used to telling myself, you’re going to do this or you’ve gotta do that.
It’s time I do it.
Over this weekend, I plan on figuring out some way to juggle everything that’s wrong, figure out some sort of plan to fix the problems in my life, so that I can move out of the hole I am in and into something people will like me as. I can’t blame you for my problems when I haven’t done enough to fix them.
So what is this all about then? All of this rambling, chaotic confusion?
It’s me saying that now is the time to wake up.