Every year around my birthday I start feeling depressed and reflective of where my life is going. This year, it seems to have kicked in a little early. So, expect to see more random thoughts over the next month or two.
So what is it that gets me depressed? In general, things I am unhappy with in my life. I’m going to be 29, yet I’m still morbidly obese, don’t make enough to dig out of this whole, don’t drive, and still have not had sex yet. I know I deserve better, I know I could have done a lot better, and yet a third of my life is almost gone, and I’m worse than I was in high school. (At least in high school, everyone’s still going through what you’re going through – that’s how disconnected I feel at times.)
I know I have no one to blame for this but myself, yet I wish others would acknowledge their own part in my problems sometimes. For example, I wish my father would acknowledge that, had he been in my life, I wouldn’t be half as messed up as I am. Or how a certain HR lady (now long gone) not only kept me behind but added new and more unnecessary bills for me by not changing my insurance when I wanted it. Or the officer who pulled me over twice, yet when I asked him if I had anything else wrong or illegal with the car on the first visit, lied to me. All of the problems that resulted in these actions are still my fault, but had these – and some others – stepped up when I needed them to, I might be in a different position.
The thing bugging me the most right now, though, is the loneliness issue. because of the way things played out with my father and I, I can’t just pick any woman off of the streets. I have to be extremely picky, if for no other reason, than to do everything on my end to prevent the same mistakes my father made from happening again. The biggest problem with this, though, is that the older I get, the less likely I am to find a woman who would be true, who is my compliment and my soul mate. Every time I do anymore, I find that they already have someone. Do you know what it’s like to know that the friend you have now, when she was single still would have rejected you, had you asked? Yes, they know who I am now, but I can only think of one exception where I had to close the door to maintain the longer relationship, and she is married as well.
the more i think about things, the more I realize just who my friends were and how I should have treated others that still would have been friends today. I think I only have a couple of friends from high school still, and we don’t hang out or anything, we just work together! I didn’t try to push these people away, yet that is what I’ve done. I often wonder where certain friends are…
Sorry if I’m Skywalkering, but I need to get this off of my chest. I just hate feeling this way. I’ll be better once my birthday passes.