The Sinking Feeling

Every year around my birthday I start feeling depressed and reflective of where my life is going. This year, it seems to have kicked in a little early. So, expect to see more random thoughts over the next month or two.

So what is it that gets me depressed? In general, things I am unhappy with in my life. I’m going to be 29, yet I’m still morbidly obese, don’t make enough to dig out of this whole, don’t drive, and still have not had sex yet. I know I deserve better, I know I could have done a lot better, and yet a third of my life is almost gone, and I’m worse than I was in high school. (At least in high school, everyone’s still going through what you’re going through – that’s how disconnected I feel at times.)

I know I have no one to blame for this but myself, yet I wish others would acknowledge their own part in my problems sometimes. For example, I wish my father would acknowledge that, had he been in my life, I wouldn’t be half as messed up as I am. Or how a certain HR lady (now long gone) not only kept me behind but added new and more unnecessary bills for me by not changing my insurance when I wanted it. Or the officer who pulled me over twice, yet when I asked him if I had anything else wrong or illegal with the car on the first visit, lied to me. All of the problems that resulted in these actions are still my fault, but had these – and some others – stepped up when I needed them to, I might be in a different position.

The thing bugging me the most right now, though, is the loneliness issue. because of the way things played out with my father and I, I can’t just pick any woman off of the streets. I have to be extremely picky, if for no other reason, than to do everything on my end to prevent the same mistakes my father made from happening again. The biggest problem with this, though, is that the older I get, the less likely I am to find a woman who would be true, who is my compliment and my soul mate. Every time I do anymore, I find that they already have someone. Do you know what it’s like to know that the friend you have now, when she was single still would have rejected you, had you asked? Yes, they know who I am now, but I can only think of one exception where I had to close the door to maintain the longer relationship, and she is married as well.

the more i think about things, the more I realize just who my friends were and how I should have treated others that still would have been friends today. I think I only have a couple of friends from high school still, and we don’t hang out or anything, we just work together! I didn’t try to push these people away, yet that is what I’ve done. I often wonder where certain friends are…

Sorry if I’m Skywalkering, but I need to get this off of my chest. I just hate feeling this way. I’ll be better once my birthday passes.


5 thoughts on “The Sinking Feeling

  1. Hey man,

    Don’t get discouraged. I’m coming up on the big four-oh, I’m morbidly obese, but you’ve got to have hope. Last year, on my birthday, I felt that same icy, nagging, dreadful feeling where I’m thinking “here I am, I haven’t seen my four kids in years because their mothers aren’t very cooperative, my financial situation isn’t where I wanted it to be and I wanted to be married to my fiancee already”. I understand where you’re coming from, and I DO know about the loneliness thing, I truly do. I spent years wondering if I’d ever meet someone who was right for me, worried that my weight would put off some women. To be completely honest, some women find the extra weight a turn-on, for whatever reason.

    Even though I’ve gained more weight this year than ever before, I somehow have hope that I will lose this weight, I’ll be the ‘everything guy’ for my fiancee, I’ll grow our business to the point where we can actually live in our own place, that I can make a dent in my child-support and actually bribe my ex’s with money so I can be in my kids’ lives again. Back on my birthday this year, I didn’t have much hope, I was depressed and I was reeling from the fact that 38 years have slipped by, and what do I have to show for it? Well, I’m still alive, and God has given me the tools I need to succeed, just got ta use ’em!

    Who knows what’s going to happen in the future, but I’m planning and hoping for upcoming decades full of weight loss, a growing and fruitful relationship with my fiancee, and the business growing to the point where money can be put to good use, like serving the homeless.

    Wayne, dude, I know it sounds silly, but just keep talking to yourself (inside your head, lest others around you might think you’re a crazy person like me) that even though you’re overweight, the future can bring change. The people who are bothering you will eventually die or go away, and the right woman (not necessarily the perfect woman) will find you, or you’ll find her. If you need to vent, just e-mail me.

  2. Will, it’s better to talk to yourself out loud in my neighborhood, so that you blend in better with the surroundings. LOL

    (Yes, I sadly admit I need to move badly.)

    As for the depressed feelings I feel, I know they’ll go away eventually – it’s just b ecause it’s around my birthday now, and usually it’s when I’m most reflective. Either I’ll just mope until it passes, or I’ll kick myself in the arse and do something about. Until then, i’m gonna feel like shit. Oh well.

  3. Alright, I’ll break my silence. I’m with Will 100% on this. I’m not very old, but I’m morbidly obese…a chain smoker, and I too wish that I were already married to my fiancè. Not where I wanted to be in life…etc.

    See, I had this big plan to get a few years of college under my belt, and move to Birmingham, AL or another large city not TOO far from home and get this wonderful programming job where I would be brilliant and shine out amongst all other…and in short, take over the world.

    Where am I? I’m 21 years old about 6’0” a little under 300lbs, living in Kingsport, TN, engaged for going on three years, have three kids( hers ), I work full-time at a job which is excessively stressful and completely unfulfilling, and part-time at a job I enjoy, but since it’s part-time, it won’t pay the bills. My family is completely in shambles…my father isn’t in such great health, my mother has Chronic Liver Disease, my brother’s married to a psycho bitch, and each day I feel myself slipping further into this mundane oblivion.

    But I suppose we all have to keep our eyes on the prize, and that’s what I’m doing. I’m working my two jobs. I’m pushing my creativity to the edge and back for my own projects, as well. I help take care of the kids. We scrape by on our income, just so we can make it to another pointless payday. But I don’t plan to be doing this for the rest of my life. I’m coding my dreams, and dreaming in code. It’s coming, I can feel it. All it takes it mind-bending knuckle-destroying work to get there. And by God, I’ll get there.

    Wayne, it’s all gonna come to you, bud. That’s life. Hurry up and wait. Patience and hard work, you’ll have everything you’ve ever wanted.

    ( Insert Inspirationally-tied product slogan here )

  4. Anthony, for the record, when I was 21, I didn’t have a fiance or any kids to worry about, and had 50 lbs more than you. (Now if only that was muscle…) 21 was fun, though – that was the year I started working for the company I’m currently at, and the year I finally got my drivers license. (I used to get teased for being so horrible behind the wheel. That, at least, I can blame on others, due to a lack of behind-the-wheel time outside of school.)

    Today, I’m doing okay. Angry? Yeah, because I’ve dealt with another day of thinking about the shitty year at work so far. Lonely? yeah, though not all that much. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am tired.

    I know that, probably sometime today or maybe tomorrow, I’ll slip back into those depressed feelings that I bitched about before, when reality seeps back in and I remember where I’m at from the negative point of view depression brings. It’s only going to get worse as the month drags on. I also know that a month, two monthes from now, it won’t be as bad. Yeah, I’ll have moments of depression, but they’ll be more of a sadness than anything.

    You’re right, though – I have to keep myself focused on the goals I have and concentrate on what needs to be done when I can do stuff. It won’t make those feelings go away, but it my stop the time and effectiveness it hits me with.

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