A Big Battle

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=1508111 — link no longer active.

(Link was to video that aired during ABC World News Now about America’s acceptance with obesity.)

I usually watch the news before going to bed, just like everyone else. Unlike everyone else, however, I watch the morning editions, not the 10 o’clock news. So, at 3-4 in the morning on a Sunday that I am home, ABC, being one of the few channels I receive (due to no cable or satellite), is usually on. They showed this piece, on America’s acceptance of obesity, this morning.

This bugs me. A lot.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the fact that we shove “beauty” over “healthy” is just as disturbing, but the fact that we, as people, would rather give up on being healthy and accept the fact that we’re overweight than to do something to make ourselves healthy and happy is mind-boggling. Are we really that accepting of our flaws, or is that the front we all put up?

At 400+ lbs, I should have the least room to talk, but I have more room to talk about this than most of you out there – I’ve been this way for a long, long time, and I have never accepted this. This fat is what often leads me down the depressive states I go through, is one of the things that keeps me from asking anyone out on dates, and has, for the most part, been one of the reasons why I stay this way. I have always fought, and failed, to lose weight, and have never accepted, nor will accept, this on me.

I hate it when you tell me that you understand, because there are very few people I know over 400 lbs who try and be active. I hate when you give suggestions on how to lose weight, or tell me to “Get this operation” or “Do this” – many of you have never been my size, have not been through what I have gone through, and don’t know what I do. I have had success in weight loss in the past, and although I have not succeeded yet, it ain’t because I can’t or don’t know how, it’s because I haven’t pushed myself that far yet.

I hate it when you make fun of me because of this. Many of you who do try to lie to my face, telling me they accept me when you don’t. You guys are the same people who avoid me when you can, and throw objects or cuss at me when I do try. If murder and torture was legal, all of you sick people would have mountains of food shoved down your throat and up your butt just so that you can literally walk in my shoes before you die. If you can’t help me, can’t encourage me to do right or can’t be honest with me, then I don’t need you. the people I consider my friends don’t do that, because they know it does sting to go through that. (It’s you peole, funny enough, that puts doubt in my mind about this story – after all, I see more of you than the other people I’ve whined about here. Guess I pulled a SkyWalker…)

The thing I hate the most, though, is when you tell me to accept it. I can’t accept this, because I do want to live to be 70 or 80. I can’t accept this because I do want to have a family. I can’t accept it because it goes against everything I’ve been taught, everything that I believe in. I can not, and will not accept it, and I’ve already chosen that, If I’m going to die from this, I’m going out swinging. let me die of a heart attack while trying to jog to lose weight – I’d rather do that than to die face down in the middle of a plate at a restaurant on (worse) home alone doing nothing.

Take my words to heart: Most of the people I see can lose and keep off the weight, and will look good just for that. I don’t give a shit about looks, and when I judge you and you’re fat, I’m not trying judge the fat, but what you’d look like without it. There are many people I have seen that I would have been friends with, and would have dated or liked, if not for this. I’d rather date someone, be with someone who’s fat but willing to help me lose the weight will trying to lose weight themselves, than to be with someone who says “I accept who I am.” Most of the people I see who say this are people who can, in fact, do something about it, and are choosing not to.

I hope you get disgusted when you watch this, and I hope, if you’re overweight like I am, that you get so disgusted that you choose to do something about it. I hope, if you’re not overweight and you do make fun of people like me, that you stop making the fun and start helping me win this battle, because it ain’t jokes or sympathy that we need.

to hose in my shoes, looking to or losing the weight, welcome. You have my help, my allegiance and my sympathies.


One thought on “A Big Battle

  1. Well, this one post is worth the entire blog. Although you could remain anonymous and spill your guts to the world that way, you didn’t. You revealed who you are and told it like it is. In my opinion, whatever that may be worth, it’s quite an admirable thing. Just this one post.

    I was overweight for a good chunk of my life (get it?). From 3rd grade up, I had a lot of nicknames. I would cry in secret because I didn’t understand why all these kids had to pick on me. Just because I was fat. And the strange thing was, I didn’t see myself as being all that fat. I would look in the mirror and say, “What? I’m not so hideous.”

    What made this even worse is that I had to wear hand-me-downs, and my older siblings were both GIRLS! So, basically, I was the model for all future fat cross-dressers at the school. Lucky me!

    In any case, I started doing battle with the weight in high school. I was 5’5 and 200+ lbs. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a lot, but by that time I felt like one of the fattest people in the world. My “friends” would crack jokes at the lunch table everyday and humiliate me regularly in front of the ladies.

    “Go on! Tell them that joke about ‘muscle in disguise’!” And I would actually mumble it out… “It’s not fat, it’s just muscle in disguise…” A broken man!

    I pretty much just stopped eating. Lost 80 lbs in some ridiculous amount of time. I was getting thin as a rail, but still, I would look in the mirror and see the same fat guy.

    It was interesting, because the whole idea of self-perception had reversed itself in some way. Whereas before I would never see myself as fat, now I was seeing myself as fat all the time.

    I would eat a cheese sandwich and feel the most tremendous disgust with myself. Failure! Fat ass! Etc. All of those thoughts would circle around in my head.

    Stranger and stranger, if a girl paid me some attention, I would look away. Before I desperately wanted to interact, and now I was frightened! What?!

    Psychology is a very strange thing. It’s as if whatever it is your after is always going to elude you somehow. You are going to give chase, but right when you’re about to capture it, it just vanishes. All smoke and mirrors. It’s the trickster devil at work again.

    I went up and down many times. The last time I hit something like 230. Again, I didn’t think I was fat. Perception had turned itself around once more. Fortunately, I was eventually clued in by all the jokes people were starting to make again.

    When kids made the jokes, it wasn’t so bad anymore. I just saw them as being kids, you know? Just innocently sharing the warped perspective they’ve inherited from our wonderful civilization.

    On the other hand, adults were cracking jokes too. People in their 40s. I didn’t understand this. I still don’t. What do they get out of it?

    In any case, I’ve found that regular exercise, weight training, and a healthy diet work well for me. Carb heavy in the morning and low-carb protein-rich foods at night. Typically, if I want to lose weight, I draw the man-or-mouse line at 7 PM. Nothing but water or maybe a glass of juice beyond that point.

    The weight training is important since it puts mass on that eats up excess calories. It’s best to work the biggest muscle groups, rather than the practically insignificant ones. For instance, thighs, back, and chest. There is a lot of tissue there. Calves, biceps, and triceps are going to come along for the ride anyway.

    So compound movements that involve as much muscle as possible are best, such as squats, deadlifts, lat pulldowns, and bench press. The workout is taxing, but it’s also short and easy to manage. You don’t have to learn that much about technique, so you’re good to go almost right away.

    Pretty basic down to earth stuff — http://lookgreat.hardgainer.com/ He isn’t crazy about supplements and working out for the sole purpose of looking macho. And no, I’m not affiliated with the company. 🙂

    Lastly, a zen mindset can help tremendously. Well, duh? What I mean by this is that you don’t go into the task of losing weight with the EXPECTATION that you are actually going to attain that goal, since then you will be trying, and as yoda says, “There is no try. You do or you do not.”

    The practice of bringing your mind back to the current moment proves to be fruitful in so many ways. Once you realize that there is actually nothing else aside from this moment, you understand why there is no try, and that to try anything is the height of absurdity.

    Have you ever lost weight tomorrow? Did you lose weight yesterday? No, whenever you lost weight, it was right here and right now. Not 5 minutes ago, not 5 minutes down the road. Right here, right now. That is all there is!

    There is a passage in the Tao Te Ching that says something like, “The knowers of Tao do the work yet they accomplish nothing.” This is the way to lose weight! You lose weight, yet you do not lose the weight. It is just happening. That’s all.

    Once there is a “you” involved, you are going to go into that struggle. You lend strength to the idea that you are important, and important you become! Now the future is involved. You are worried about what people will think, what they will say, whether or not you will “succeed”, etc.

    If you are not really there, you are free from all of that at once. There is nobody there who is looking for acceptance anymore. He is gone. Dead. Now you are free to help others. What becomes of you? So what. You are not there anymore.

    In every moment, we apply a certain effort, and the effects just grow out of this. The effects are the causes of our future actions. Where is the doer then? There is no doer. This is why buddhists say there is no doer, only action.

    So you go on planting like this. A little seed here, a little seed there. You wander around for some years doing this, and look! Big trees are growing everywhere!

    Did you make the trees grow? No. You just planted the seed and nature did what nature does. It’s the same with our daily actions. A kind word to somebody here, holding back some unkind words there. These sprout and you suddenly see people doing good things all over the place.

    You don’t say, “Ah, look what I did!” But you stand there in the garden and wonder. You are humbled by the power of such simple mysteries. How little tiny actions can blossom into things like this, you don’t know, yet there they are!

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