The List: The Rules I Need To Place Within Myself To Follow

I look back at my past, at my life, with a lot of regret and shame.

I have regret for things I’ve never done, or didn’t do properly, or ended up messing up in the long run.  This hits the hardest with relationships and me, since all of the mistakes that I made while with my ex were things that I, as an adult, never should have made.  I realize now that, had I made more of an effort when I was younger, had I been out there, I’d have gone through then what I am going through now, and I wouldn’t be as hesitant as I am to get into the next one.

As for shame, I feel awkward all of the time.  This is because of my looks, my weight, my clothes, and my lifestyle.  I don’t feel like I ever fit in, even when I know logically I do.

I also feel shame for my actions, for those whom I hurt unintentionally.  I often feel like I am more of an annoyance than a help, and that, even with the most inviting of people, I feel like the outsider looking in.

I’ve carried a lot of weight and baggage, and it’s hard for me to let go.  Part of it is that I really don’t know how to – I can forget about it for a day, week, month, etc., but eventually something I do makes it work its way back up there.  The other part is that I often forget to do things when I need to remember them the most – I know I’m supposed to eat light, cut back, etc., but do I remember that when I am putting those big bites in my mouth?

It’s not just a few habits I am trying to break – I’m trying to give myself a life makeover.  To do that, I need to change the way I think and the way I act.  I can’t change how I feel – at least not directly – but I can do things to help influence those feelings and I can react to them in a proper, sensible fashion.

To do this, I need to establish some ground rules to live by, some basis to work with as I move along.  These disciplines will hopefully lead me to where I need to be, and how I will be able to overcome my obstacles.

Thought For The Week: The Blame Game

Before you continue with my article, I’d like to refer you to an article I just read.  It’s about a math formula that may explain why serial killers news.  (For those with a news bias, it’s from Fox News – it doesn’t matter to me the source.)  http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2012/01/18/math-formula-may-explains-why-serial-killers-kill/

If you read near the end, you will notice an interesting comment:

“When we’re trying to figure out ‘how blameworthy is this person?’, I can imagine that a serial killer could use this finding at sentencing to argue that he was not morally blameworthy, but rather the puppet of his biology,” she said.”As in, ‘the neuron firing pattern makes me do this.’”

Well, how blameworthy is he really?

Thought For The Week: Perception, Nudity, and stupid ideas

Ever write a blog posting only to regret it later?  I did, in a way.

A few years ago, back when I was still looking for a girlfriend, I wrote a blog posting about an idea that, although I knew it would never realistically happen, would alter everyone’s perceptions.  While I’ll spare you the details, the summary is simple:  Make a mandatory day/week/month/whatever across the world where no one could where clothes.  (If you’re actually curious what a teenage mind in a grown-up body thinks, here’s the address:  http://w2ed.wordpress.com/2006/06/11/beauty-and-the-naked-truth/ )

The List: Needs for the New Apartment, part 1

The List this week is long and focused towards myself – sorry, you’ll have to wait another week until I might have something insightful for everyone else. That said, this is where I could use some help.

Thought For The Week: The Importance of Obligation

Over the last few weeks I have been going to church a lot more.  In the coming weeks and months I hope to add the gym and the library to that as well – I’m at the library now, though most of today was spent thinking about this blog post and playing games on Facebook.  (I may just end up deleting that thing eventually!)

I set out this year with a couple of goals, one of which I was really disappointed in missing last week, which was church.  I made a promise to God last year to commit, and after the eventual breakup, I felt really abandoned – and that I abandoned my word to him.  (I apologize if this is the millionth time talking about it – much of what’s going on in my life right now is the direct result of those events having shaped some opinions and awakened some feelings and thoughts, that will make for heavy changes in my life.)  Going today was, in a way, a personal obligation.

While I will get to today’s sermon in a moment, I wanted to talk about obligations, discpline and how they tie into what we want for a moment.  I remember a conversation I had shortly before I moved to Oregon about why we did not go to church.  While I will respect my mom and not repeat what she said, I feel as though we missed out on the reason for going in the first place:  It is one of the prices we pay to enjoy life.

Have you ever seen a person who is fat but who goes to the gym every day and eats healthy?  Did they stay the same weight?  If they did, why?

Some people are unlucky, having some genetic or health-related problem to which weight loss is slower or more difficult.  What’s really unfortunate is that they’re probably lumped in (by people who should not judge) to the category most of us fall into:  they do something(s) to which throws all that discipline, that obligation out the window.  Sometimes it’s that tub of ice cream that one person ate, other times it’s not pushing yourself at the gym, etc.  Whatever it is, we jump off of our disciplines and obligations for one moment, and that moment throws everything out of whack, causing us to to not lose anything as a result.

Now, I’m not going to knock the person who jumps back on and continues to diet after having that smorgasboard at Old Country Buffet – a momentary lapse of weakness is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you admit the wrong and get back to doing right.  My problem – and what I feel is the problem of many others – is that I fail to get back up.  It’s easier to put an excuse on whatever I did, to blame that for why not to continue, than it is to stick to my obligations and do what is right.

I look back at so many things in life, and how, just by doing what I should have done, things could have drastically been different.  The recent relationship breakup is a great example:  I stopped doing so many of those obligations that she felt unloved, possibly even hated and resented, by me.  She certainly lost her trust in me, and had no reason to believe things could work.

I also look back to the things I did right, how, during my first year in Choir, I was practicing my dance steps for our first show while I was on lunch break at McDonald’s, how, during the first year we were together, I was doing everything and going out of my way for her, and how before that I was disciplined to do the necessary chores.

To get back into habit, we have to make things an obligation, we have to both want to and force ourselves to do it.  That is the price we pay to make our lives easier in the end.

What the sermon was about today was in Delighting in God, and in it he talked about how some people do not make God or church a joy.  (I think his example of how some people go to church says it best:  they act like they have to be there, but have no joy in it.)  I think we need to apply this, not just to God, but to everything we do in life:  Work, Home, Love (our spouse/dates, kids), etc.

That said, we have to remember:  Love is a verb.  Work is a Verb.  We may not always enjoy it, but if we want to enjoy it later, we have to work towards it now.

First real post of 2012, First glimpse into where I am going and what I need…

First of all:  If you’ve been following the drama that is my current state of life, you’ll be glad to hear that I am alive.  (My apologies for making it such a drama – I’ve had a bad tendency to live my life by my emotions and not always by logic.)

For those who care:  Thank You.

My timing will be limited online, since I no longer have my own home for internet access.  If you want to contact me, you can find me on Facebook – my contact info is there.

Another Temporary Break

If you read last night’s blog, you already know what I intend to do as far as social networking.  What you may not know is that I’ve made a choice to actively refrain from internet usage for a few months.  Other than for computer upgrades or as necessary, when I can do so – I won’t have my own home internet access for a few months – I’m not going to be online much.  As such, this blog will probably see many delays – I want to get away from computer use and back to dealing with people directly.

When I can update this I will, but I would expect this to be a trickle for the next couple of months.  See you in March!

The List: New Years Resolutions

If someone had told me last year that I would be single, alone, gaining right, fighting for my unemployment and for everything else I had lost, and not even caring because I already lost the most important thing, I would have ignored them believing them to be wrong.  Had I bet them money, they’d be another person I’d owe.

Resolutions are easy when things are stable, because you know you can focus on them if you want to.  There’s no necessity to them, they’re just things you want to change – not things you need to change.

The last few months have opened my eyes.  I have seen the truth about some people i thought i could trust, gave one person a lot of major reasons not to trust or want to be around me, and came to realize just how much of my past was still in me.  Everything I did to fix things made them worse, and everything I tried to do blew up in my face in the end.

The bright side of all of this is that, in having all of this loss, this pain and misery, especially in the face of what should have been the happiest day of my life (which would have been yesterday), I have probably rooted down to the ugliest, most painful of flaws i have.  The obesity, the foul language and smell I sometimes bare covers the inner turmoil and pain I’ve dealt with, tried to hide and sometimes pushed onto the people I care about.  Obviously, my resolutions for next year are greatly influenced by someone I still have great feelings for, and while I know that success in any or all of these things will not bring her back to me, I also know that, by doing these, if the next relationship fails, I will have done what I can to fix that which I can currently control.

I should make one note:  There is one thing that should be a resolution but is not, and that is to improve my listening and appreciation.  These, unfortunately, I can not do alone or without specific circumstances involved, and therefore can not easily list them as resolutions.  What I have listed are things I can directly control and work on in the next year, that do not rely on other people or on circumstance, to fix.  That’s not to say these won’t be worked on; I’m going to have t work on these when the opportunity arises.

The List: What I’ve Learned About Myself In 2011

One of the hardest things to do in reconstruction and reassembly is to figure out where the flaws were, what caused an item to explode or self destruct, where was the shatterpoint that took things beyond normal control.  It is why an investigation can take many months and be very emotional and troubling along the way.  If the truth, the knowledge wasn’t necessary, we would not pursue it, nor would we try to change.

The hardest part of breaking up – particularly of getting dumped – was figuring out what went wrong, where I failed, how someone who, at the beginning was very interested in me could be so cruel and hurtful as to want to get rid of me.  The easy thing would be to call her names and say that it was her fault – but then, when it happens to the next person, to the person after that, do I continue to blame them then?  Someone who does not typically display cruel or hurtful behavior don’t change overnight, don’t change in a matter of hours – this had built up in her for a long time.

Some of the stuff I ruled out because of arguments and discussions we had back in 2009 and 2010 – It’s not that they did not have a direct impact on her desire to break up, it’s just that we’ve already covered that ground.  I focused on the stuff I looked into in the months beyond the breakup, some of which covers that time period but was not discussed as greatly as it should have.  What follows is what I believe has led me to the breaking point, and what I have learned about myself, both heroic and disturbing, this past year.

The List: What I Will Be Looking For In A Girlfriend

The thing that sucks about love is how easy it is to be disappointed.  I went most of my life trying to find someone, getting lucky to meet a few I was interested in but ultimately let down by their disinterest in me.  I also held back on a few out of fear of losing their friendship, and watched as they went to better men than myself.  I’ve learned never to reveal who you have a crush on, as some people will use that to hurt you.  I’ve also learned that there are times when it is perfectly acceptable for you to reject someone, as I’ve had to do twice.

The biggest disappointment, though, is finding someone who exceeds all of the expectations you had, gives you new expectations that you thought weren’t important, and having them give up on you.  The disappointment is not in her, though:  through the past few months I’ve had time to be introspective, to look and see not only what she saw, but to realize what I have become and where I failed.  While I can hope that some day she decides that it is worth walking through to my open heart again, the reality is that, even if I changed and became the person we both would have wanted, she gave me more than enough time to become the man I wanted to be and has no reason to return.  I just have to accept the fact that I have to move on.

She raised the bar and spoiled a lot of things for any future women in my life.  I now have new expectations in life, and new expectations for what I want in someone.  While my door will remain open for her return, that door will only remain open as long as no one else is there to fill it.

Want to be Ms. Winquist?  Read on to see if you meet what I am looking for.

I Will Be Homeless Once Again

Update 12/23:  The official letter came today, and with it, my hope is gone.  According to 820 ILCS 405/500C, I am not able or available for work due to not having a working licensed vehicle, and have not demonstrated such ability.  I am the phone in a last-ditch effort to change this; however, another appeal would take 4-6 weeks – I’ll be evicted before then.  As such, everything is official.

Most of you will be unwrapping presents, eating holiday dinner and generally celebrating Jesus’s birth and time with their families come Christmas Day.  I will be boxing items and preparing to move out, if the letter today is any indication of what happened on Tuesday.

So, for those not in the know:  At the end of August, the day before I was dumped, I accepted a position at Caterpillar in Aurora, IL, about 70 miles away from me.  Everyday was around a 2 hour commute one way, or 4 hours on the road.  In October, I exchanged my car with one my family had found for me, on which I owe money still, on the basis that it would not die on me while I was commuting.

At the beginning of November, while I was on my way to work, the engine blew up.  With no one I could call on – the only person who lives near me and works at the factory is not only connected to my ex, but also works different hours from myself – I was terminated while waiting for my vehicle to be fixed.

The last month and a half has been a struggle as I try to regain unemployment, which was denied for me because of my vehicle being broken for a while.  (It has since been repaired; however, without the money to renew my insurance or get a new sticker on my car, it still sits.)

The letter I received today was an explanation saying that I was still ineligible for unemployment, on the basis of availability.  This was contested on Tuesday, with an appeals hearing over the phone.  While it could have been sent prior to determination, the fact of the matter is that the lady told me things would get determined by today – and no money has been deposited in my bank.

So, as of December 31st, 2011, barring some sort of miracle, I will be homeless once again.

I will probably lose internet access before then, due to Comcast needing to be paid, so I may not be able to update this prior to eviction.  I will be selling and getting rid of a few things, but for the most part, I’ve given up.  The last half of this year has been nothing but pain and hurt, and while I acknowledge that it was my irresponsibility and immaturity that cost me my wife and bride to be, my job and my home, that knowledge does not ease any of how I feel – in some ways, it makes it worse, knowing that all of this could have been prevented.

I will try to post updates as they become available – I will need help moving and storing my stuff, and will especially need help with living arrangements.  If this changes I will let you know as soon as I can.  Keep an eye on Facebook for all updates.  Thank you.

Wayne C. Winquist

P.S. There are certain people I will refuse to accept any help from – I will not name them, only that I have my reasons.

The List: What I Want In A President

A lot of the changes I want to make in 2012 only involve myself in how I care for myself and others around me.  One of those changes, however, is a desire to become more worldly, more involved in the world around me, more involved in the things beyond my own life.   Some of my past mistakes that have come back to haunt me now involve the government, in elected officials and how their choices affect me now.

The big things in the news right now is the Occupy movement and the race for the next President.  While I am trying to understand what the movement is about, I understand what has happened to our country the last 4 years and have seen how it has affected me.  For the most part, I don’t regret having voted Obama in 2008 – while I know McCain would not have made the same mistakes Obama has in this term, the way the Republican Party and his campaign was falling apart in the final weeks leave me to believe the mistakes would have been, at best, of a similar scope – and, more likely than not, worse.  Neither of the main candidates had the leadership skills needed to lead our country out of the crisis it was going to face, and they were the ones I felt out of all the independents and other candidates to have the best chance.

Although Obama did do a few things to benefit me, he ultimately did not keep his word of change and has failed in his role of leader.  The only way he will have my vote this time is if none of the other candidates for President prove themselves to be better and more capable than him.  I’ve never been a person who voted by party, making my choices based on how who I felt the best candidate would be.  That said, I’ve never fully been specific about what I will look for.

Until now.

The List : Things I Want To Do In 2012

Have you ever lost focus of your life – of who you are, what you represent and what you want out of it?

I have, and I can say this with certainty: One of the worst things you can do is lose that focus.

The last few months have been a roller coaster spinning downward and out of control for me.  I got dumped by my fiancé after she had to stay an extended period in the hospital.  I landed the best paying job I’ve ever had, only to lose it two months later because of a car issue I was trying to prevent.  I now live alone, away from family and friends, and because of how I lost my job, I have no income and a lot of debt – I could be royally screwed by the end of the year.

You can only sink so low, go down so far, before you either have to rise to the surface or hit the bottom.  The most obvious bottom is death, but as experience has taught me, there are far worse things to fear than going to hell alone.

Thankfully, as much I’ve wanted to kill myself in the past few months – the longest period of depression for me since 7th and 8th grade – I was blessed with a few gifts that has kept me from going over the edge.

With that said, when you hit that point where you just plain don’t care if you live or die anymore, you have to make a choice:  Are you going to change?  If so, what?

The rest of the year will be spent sorting out the various thoughts of my mind.  It is a complete and utter disaster area, after having spent so much thought into what went wrong, how I screwed up and lost her, how I’m not happy, not where I want to be.  At some point I may release the thoughts I had written about the situation I created, but for now, I’m done focusing on my mistakes – except to figure out what I need to do to fix them.

Some of these lists will be ridiculous and random – they’re on my mind, I just want to get them out of there.  Some of these have specific purpose:  they’re here to help me, to remind me of what I want in life and where I want to go.

Once I am done  and actively working on my lists in 2012, this will become a weekly posting.

So what do I want to do in 2012?  Read on to find out.

Plans for the future – First Six Months of 2012

It’s been a long time since I posted anything regular on this site.  Since I am no longer constrained by either restrictions or memory – most of my best thoughts the past couple of years went to my ex – I now have all the time in the world.

What I have come to learn in the past few months, though, has made me realize a lot.  I hold no grudge against her, because without her, I never would have come as far as I have.  Things are infinitely more difficult without her now, but it’s justified – had I treated her better, she might still have married me, and possibly even been happier.

What’s done is done, though, and as much as I wish I could change the past I can not.  I can, however, learn from my mistakes, rebound from my problems, and – as long as either I don’t die or the world does not end – can still become the person I really want to be.   I apologize if the number of posts go up in the next few months – having the time to think has made me realize that, without some sort of solid plan, and making sure I stick to said plan, I will continue to be the loser I became while I was with her.  I have to change, and more importantly, I want to change.

(In her defense, it was not her fault I became all the negative things I see in me – I let myself regress backwards, and put a heavier burden on her and her family because of it.  She was right to dump me.)

So here’s what’s going to happen:

Occupy Elsewhere

Occupy Elsewhere.

A friend of mine in real life wrote this, and it makes me sad to read what she is having to do.  I was not part of that group:  I still am not entirely sure what the group was trying to accomplish, mainly due to worrying about my own life.

While I don’t understand the groups purpose, I understand the frustration she must be having, and the reasons for which she is doing that.  It doesn’t surprise me though:  Some people have the time, energy and passion to devote to a fight or cause they believe in; others can only stand behind them in any sort of support situation.  Some people, both full of passion and not, have harsh feelings or reactions than others, and some are just merely passive.  Disagreements will happen, arguments flare up, and no one really wants to be a part of that.

The exact same things were what I was feeling whenever I’d read a newspaper or watch the news about the McCain campaign in the final weeks in the 2008 election, and were the main reason why I voted for Obama.   A group, a movement, a protest will not succeed if there are fractions within the group fighting.  All have to be on the same page, or they have to find another group to fight for that cause according to that belief or problem.  I hope she starts up another group, more unified in vision and focused on the task at hand, and doesn’t have to put up with nearly as many frustrations as before.

One Person’s Observations On How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse…

One of my new favorite shows to come out in recent years is The Walking Dead, and it is one of those few shows that has the potential to transcend its target audience well beyond most.  For those who’ve never heard of it, it’s based off of a graphic novel series of the same name and is about how people survive in a zombie apocalypse.    It would be easy to dismiss this show as something for the sci-fi/horror fans, but the writing and acting is done to be very believable – any more believable, and you’d swear that it might be reality TV.

I think there’s a consensus in the population right now of two factors.  First, a lot of people – an exact number has not been found at the point of this writing, but enough people to create over 800 million finds in Google – seem to have a thought as to the possibility of this.  Second, If we were to base this off of the fears of creators (writers, artists, etc who actually create the stories told in books, films, TV shows and song), it’s going to be either nuclear or biological – with a chunk of those in the latter camp think it’d possibly be a zombie apocalypse.  In either case, the majority of people seem to feel it will be created by man, not handed down from God, Allah or whoever your diety or higher power is.

I personally believe that it’s going to be a combination of things – God will be pulling the strings, but mankind’s ultimate doom will be created and handled by Man.  I’m not going to be expecting fire and brimstone raining down from Heaven, or a doorway to Hell to just suddenly appear – I’m expecting nuclear rockets and viral outbreaks to be our undoing.  While the rockets and nuclear warheads are definitely of the past century, we as human beings have had many close calls with virus our entire existence.  The fact that we have been playing with them at all beyond trying to find a cure scares me – and given what I’ve seen in people, I believe that it’s just a matter of time.  Even scarier, if we believe the numerous fictional accounts in film and TV, it won’t be something the government does directly – it will be something completely unintended and mishandled so that it becomes the disaster I suspect it will be.

Whatever your belief, whether you believe that God is going go biblical on us or that one of our fears will come true, I think it’d be to everyone’s benefit to be prepared for it, no matter what it is.  With that in mind, here’s seven things we should be before, during or after an apocalyptic event.

Change your mind and the world changes with it

Change your mind and the world changes with it.

Maturity, Reality, & My Image On The Internet

Yes, my blog is back up – and I’ve had a lot to think about while it was down.

Growing up with your blog…

Earlier this week (On November 9th, 2010), I closed off access to this site.  Don’t worry, I’ve not gotten any virus or bugs, I’ve just been having a conscience – and some thoughts on what i will be doing with this site.

The problem with having a blog is that people can and will read what they want to – which means that you have to be careful what you do say, no matter if it’s about a person or company, an ideal, or any other group or organizations.  You never know who may read it – and it may come back to bite you later.

My GF’s younger brother came to the site to read some of what I wrote.  (By read, I more or less mean “Scan the first few lines, then make fun of them.”)  Of course, I didn’t find out until after he did it.  I also found out someone did a search on my GF – something uncool with me.

So, in the best interests of everyone, I scanned through some of what I had, searching for indicators of her in the listing.  While I was lucky not to have made too many connections with said search, in reading what I wrote, I came to a discovery:  I was embarrassed by it.

Don’t get me wrong, my attitude on whether or not to leave it still stands:  Like it or not, these things I wrote are – at the times I wrote them – a part of who I was.  That said, I could see how others might have been turned away from me, or got sick of me repeating the same-old-drivel.  I can see the lame person I once was, and how some things have controlled my life that should never have been there.

People change, sometimes for the worse, hopefully for the better.  I feel I have changed enough that those who know me will know that some of what I said is no longer valid or true anymore, and more importantly, is not the person I am today.  That said, it’s easy to tell someone that you’ve changed – it’s harder to show it, which is what I think I’ll have to do before you are able to read this.

Post-Halloween Thoughts: The 5 types of monsters most likely to be real

Okay, so Halloween is over, I’m still watching Halloween stuff, and SB’s in bed asleep.  Today – November 1st – is National Novel Writing Month (If you’re up to it, it’s at nanowrimo.org.)  I’ve been wrestling with two big problems with my stories:  dialogue that doesn’t sound like 2 retards talking, and villains that equal to my heroes.  For the story I have in mind, I want to return to some of my favorite monsters and see what I can do with it.

But which ones could be real?  Obviously, we’re not going to be seeing Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees outside of a TV or Movie Screen anytime soon, but what of some of our other monsters?

So I need to make one rule clear for this:  No REAL monsters – in other words, No serial killers, child molesters, rapists, or terrorists.  The idea is not to make the reader believe in something that is already real, and we have enough real-life Jigsaw’s, Hannibal Lecters, and other famous killers.  I’m not going to talk about what is, but what could be, how likely we can see this type of monster in real life, and how afraid we should be if it should happen.  Feel free to disagree with me if you like – I’m sure if you do your homework you can find plenty of examples of how wrong I am.  I’m only going on what I know, what I’ve read or watched, and what I think.