The things I am looking for in a partner 2013

Now that summer’s almost underway and I am making a change of plans in my career and lifestyle paths, I have some time to deal with some things on my mind.  One of them is the continual number of people that I want to be around rejecting me, and the people I don’t want in my life wanting me around.

That may be a mean way to look at things, but from my point of view, it is necessary.  While I believe everyone is capable of change, and that people are able to be anything they really want to be, I don’t have the time, patience or skill to make those kind of drastic changes in someones life – nor should I.  While I don’t mind helping someone who wants to lose weight, I should not be the main reason for that change, nor should I be the one pushing it onto someone else.

Likewise, some behaviors and beliefs are more difficult to change.  While we can easily point to someone whose constant visits to the all-you-can-eat buffets lead them to a dependence on insulin shots and heart monitors, it’s harder to show how the actions we take as adults impact our children’s futures.  As much as I’d rather not be alone, I’d also rather not be responsible for not giving any kids I have the best possible futures they can have.

So what am I looking for in someone?

1. Behavior, or how you treat others.   This one is big – huge – in my world, and with good reason.  Most of the women I reject have attitudes and behaviors I disagree with.  For example, they let their kids run around like wild children, misbehaving as they like, staying up for odd hours of the night or doing crazy stuff.  Likewise, there are some parents to strict and scary that anything might set them off.  This is something that can be observed even in non-parents:  How they treat their animals, friends and family is almost a reflection of how they’d treat kids.  If you make me cringe, scared or concerned, I will dump you.
2. Looks are very important.  I don’t ever expect to date any Playboy models or red carpet queens – and many of these women aren’t worth approaching anyway.  However, I’m not looking for the next supermodel – I just want to know that you’re really taking care of yourself.  Many of the problems I have now are the end result of not doing my best to take care of my health – spending too much time in fast food joints and all-you can eat buffets, and not enough time camping, biking, swimming or even walking.  I’m a firm believer that is big is not beautiful, that looking like you have parts chunking or swooshing about you can’t be healthy.  I don’t want some rail-thin twig in my life, but I don’t want to date someone who looks like a cross between a human and a rhinoceros or elephant either.  I’ll give anyone a chance, but your attitude and actions about this will determine how long I stay.
3. I have to be comfortable around you.  This one is extremely difficult to do, but is crucial to our relationship.  As much as I’d like to say I can weather anything, the truth of the matter is that I really need to be able to trust you.  I need to know, if I mess up or do something you don’t agree with, that you’re not dumping me the next day.  If I can’t trust you to do that, and if I have reason to believe you’ll run out of my life, we’re not going to work.  (This I speak with experience – my last relationship failed because neither of us could trust the other.)
4. We’re Equal.  This is one of those things where I should not have to say it, but from what I see, no one understands.  I may not bleed monthly, grow kids in my belly (I don’t have a womb to grow them in, either!), and will probably not be as good looking as, or cook as awesomely, as you.  Whatever my shortcomings are, I’m not going to tolerate someone controlling or manipulating me, nor will I tolerate talking about how you’re better than, or in control of, me.  I don’t want to tell you what to do or how to live your life, either – I want to see you as an equal, as a partner and a friend, not as competition.  I view it as respect, and those sort of things show a clear lack of.
5. Make our time count!  I should not feel like I have to give ALL of my time and energy to you, nor do I expect you to do that for me.  However, we should not be so far apart as to not give each other those moments daily, whether it’s cuddling while watching TV, sharing some quality shower and massage time, or going on little trips and adventures.  One of my bigger mistakes was neither supporting any efforts my ex made to have her alone time, or to allow her that –  nor did I make the time we had together as enjoyable as it could have been.  I’d like to enjoy my hobbies, get the projects I need to done, and when I feel it is right, share in my hobbies and interests, and learn from you with your hobbies and interests as well.

Part of the reason I am making the efforts I am to change and improve myself and my quality of life is knowing that I’m not where I feel equal in these matters – expecting you to take care of yourself, for example, is very unfair when there was a long time when I didn’t.    That’s also the reason why it’s there and why I am working on those things, because I now have injuries and hurts I would not have had I taken better care of myself. I’m not going to ask of you what I do not expect of myself, and It’s why my emphasis is more on behavior than on looks.

I won’t blame anyone for rejecting me anymore – but I try to make sure to have a solid reason for rejecting someone as well.  If you see what I am looking for as a problem, say so and back out – I’d rather have your honesty than you try and waste each other’s time.

One last thing:  There is a lot I can look past and can forgive.  Don’t take any of these as bullets for breaking the relationship – if I’m giving you an honest chance and you’re breaking one of these, we’ll talk about it when I feel it is right.  I know people can change, and I know I’ve forgiven these things before.

If you can pass these tests, and accept me for who I am, we can go a long way together.

Facebook repost 12/22/12 – WE LIVE! WE LIVE! (Should we?)

So, here we are, and every part of the world is now officially on or past the 22nd, and we now know that, whether we misinterpreted the markings, someones translation was off, or the stone carver felt they had done enough, the apocalypse prediction was wrong and nothing major really happened.  I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing…

Two things nationally have me angry.  The first is major media news, whom I think have finally come to a point of desensitized that the shooting I relinked from Jenn earlier was, more or less, glossed over while an organization spewing the same rhetoric they’ve always spewed gets all of the attention.  I would think a person who tried pulling off another mass-killing would have more attention, but I guess we’re going to compare numbers and 3 people dead does not compare to 26.  I think we’ve forgotten the value of life altogether.

The other thing is our elected officials – not just our president, but both sides of congress as well – having had all of this time since the election to come to terms and work out an agreement on our budget, yet are at their homes, divided by party politics, and set on screwing all Americans monetarily once again.  I think all of their jobs should be put on the line, and if they can’t come up with a resolution by New Years Day, they should be fired – every single one of them – for not doing the job we elected them to.  I wonder how serious they’d take their jobs if they faced what the poor and jobless face everyday.

All of this does tie in together:  a worry that I have.  I wonder, with all of the jokes we cracked about how the Mayans were wrong, if we’re going to go back to our ordinary lives, forgetting that we should be living every day like as if the world will end tomorrow.  I wonder if we’re so desensitized by the media and the government that we have a statistical and monetary value for something that should be priceless and cherished.  I wonder how many of us aren’t that desensitized already…

Okay, off my soap box – for now…

Facebook Repost 12/19/2012 – We Need Responsibility, Not Bans, With Violent/Graphic Media

This is a repost from Facebook on 12/19/2012.  It may be edited to fix spelling or grammatical errors.  It was used to post a link:  http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/video-games-violence-generation-blames-latest-media-expert/story?id=18009898#.UNGVhORQV8F

“I knew it was only a matter of time before THIS discussion showed up on some news channel…

I’ve had a lot of thought on this topic, as well as a lot of debate, over the years, and in some ways I’ve mellowed a little. I think, when you enjoy certain types of media, any thing saying something may be wrong with it is considered an offense and we go into attack mode. It’s also easy, until we look at other people, to forget how while the majority of people can handle things under normal circumstances, not everyone is capable of handling certain normalities in society. It’s also easy to ignore how many things that are unhealthy for our bodies and our minds have grown exponentially, or to look past how we’ve become not only as a society, but as individuals.

In spite of all of this, I can’t help but to stress the importance of what I’ve felt all along. You can only shelter your kids so much – some people simply lack the understanding or consideration not to play harmful stuff, such as movies, music and video games, in front of others It’s not yours or the government’s place to dictate stuff like that, as much as you may dislike it.

However, as more of us are becoming or have become parents, we have responsibilities to our kids, to raise them to be better, smarter, and more responsible as adults. This goes beyond those that have kids, as well – while it is okay to do as you please inside your home, anytime there’s kids present we should be conscious about what we enjoy and interact with in front of them. That doesn’t mean hiding everything – some things, like this shooting, children should know as much of the truth as they can understand. It does mean, though, that we probably shouldn’t let our 3-year-olds watch the news when they get graphic in descriptions of the events.

Violent or graphic media – gangsta rap, fighting/first-person-shooter games, horror movies – should not be banned, taxed or restricted because of some crazy people having a harmful effect to it, any more so than alcohol, cigarettes or food be banned because of the harmful effects they have on people. The same principle does apply to usage, though: there’s a difference between use and abuse. If you’re forcing your kid to eat apples and celery instead of Twinkies and McDonald’s, and you’re forcing them to either go outside or do homework before TV and Video Games, you probably are aware of this: Your 7-year-old probably is not ready to go from nursery rhymes to Tupac, your 10-year-old probably is not ready for “Call of Duty:Black Ops II”, and your 12-year-old might not be ready for the “Saw” series or “Schindler’s List”. I say “might” on the last one because if you’re lucky to have a perfectly healthy and stable kid, they might also be mature enough to handle both the blood and gore, as well as the adult content, of the series or film.

I can’t stress this enough: responsible parenting, not bans and restrictions, will make our society better, and will help to stop these sort of events. I’m adding, however, that this extends beyond the reach of the parent, to all adults: All of our actions are observed by kids, whether we like or want them to, whether we’re related or connected to them. What you do in the privacy of your home is with you – If you want to watch “Dirty Sluts on Parade in Nazi Land” in the privacy of your bedroom or after the kids go to bed, that’s fine. What you do in front of, or allow your kids to do, is a different matter.

You can’t control everyone else, but you can control what you do.”

What I Think We Should Consider To Prevent The Next Tragedy

Before I start giving opinions, I wanted to express my sorrow and prayers to the families affected by recent shootings in the Sandy Hook Elementary School Massacre in New Town, Connecticut, and at the Clackamas Town Center shopping mall shooting near Portland, Oregon, and other families and friends affected by recent violent shootings that are becoming too common now.  The pain you are going through is not one I’d wish on anyone, and no one should have to lose a loved one over such tragic trappings.  You are in my prayers.

However, as I’ve seen and noticed too often over the years, human tend to have two opposite reactions to tragedy, each dependent on how often and how brutal the tragic event is.  Something where we’d not had that level of brutality in tragedy, such as the Columbine High School shooting in 1999, we have an overreaction to – understandable, given how the concept of two kids walking in and shooting people at that time was beyond belief.  The other, which often leads to the next major tragedy, is under-reaction in response to more frequent, yet equally tragic, events – we had major reactions at the first few High School shootings, yet after so many of them, we had no reaction, no blame for the cause, nothing but sorrow for the victims.  Both fuel each other, especially in our modern, connected society:  to regain attention and cause debate, we have to cause more harm and further the impact of our actions.  The next shooter is probably watching this stuff and making plans on how to make his stand out from the last.

I wrote this in response to a Facebook posting asking what should be suggested to lawmakers, and I have a feeling I’ll be rewriting the same thing to others that ask for what we should do.  These are my thoughts, not backed fully by evidence but with enough insight into the past, with the hope that others who choose to examine this take history into account with opinion.

A Christmas Public Service Announcement

There are some things I have never heard said around the holidays:

 

• “Gee, I’m so glad my sperm donor forgot Christmas again this year!”
• “Wow, I’m so glad I got this bloody nose!  You’re the best!”
• “Could you forget about me again this Christmas?  I’m glad I’m so unimportant!”

We often get wrapped up in what we can get them, feeling like failures when we can’t give what they want (if we can give anything at all), or feeling ashamed when we don’t get the right things.  What we forget, more often than not, is what is very important to give in the first place:  The love and appreciation for that person, warts and all.

Your kids and family members may remember that you got the name tags mixed up and give Billy a Barbie and Sally a football, or that year where the best you could afford is new underwear.  They may remember that you got them a guitar when they wanted a pony, or a Nintendo 64 when they really wanted a Playstation.  What they will remember, regardless of age or gender, regardless of situation, is what you do and how you treat them.  They may hurt that year when you get them the wrong thing, but they’ll hurt a lot worse if what they remember of you is painful memories.

There will be plenty of people, kids and adults, who will not get gifts or cards, who will basically be forgotten Christmas Day.  There will be plenty of people, spouses and kids, who will be abused.  There will be too many whose parents chose not to be a part of their lives, not because they went and did something honorable like fought for our country, but because of fear, anger, hatred, chose not to be there.  You may not get the reception you want from your loved one, but they will appreciate you far more for putting the effort forward and doing something good than they will anything bad that you give them.

Social Repost 12/13/12

From Facebook:

“It’s not often where something I work on takes a drastically different view as a result of something I experience that makes me rethink what I am doing, but I had that this morning. I was sitting at another restaurant after everyone left the Garden this morning, and they had a magazine rack full of older magazines. (I think the newest one was a “Time” magazine featuring Paul Ryan that came out between the first and second debates.) One of these magazines was a “Writer’s Journal” that came out in 1999, which had an interview with Aaron Sorkin and “Horror Writing.” As I read some of the articles – about using external editing services and getting published, a thought hit my head like a ton of bricks: back when this article came out, and for some time after that, back when I was more focused on writing a book, I would have scoffed and ignored some of these ideas – why pay for someone to edit your book when you can do it yourself? Why take the time to listen to an editor who rejects you?

While it reminds me of my hatred with companies who simply send an email saying “Sorry, but we found someone who is better than you” (I realize it’s hard when you have thousands of applications), It also reminded me of how, in spite of the best intentions, I often fail to listen to what is being said. A few years ago, I might have been the guy used as an example in one of the articles about using an external editing service – now, I can see some real value in said service, and it gives me a few ideas.

It’s interesting what age and experience will do for a person’s perspective.”

–

I’m also on Meetme, formerly MyYearbook, a site that seems to be more and more dedicated to social dating than to friends anymore.  I often enjoy doing random questions, and though I ask others to question me, I hardly get any responses.  Lately, people have been unfriending and blocking me, calling me “negative” and “whiny.”  Because they limit their status updates to 140 characters or less (The same as Twitter, inconveniently), you’re often forced to write in one of two ways:  either you type it in ghetto/texting slang (“BCas U luv me”, for example), or you use the comments area for anything deeper or more wordy.  Hence, this copy over is in two parts.

First, the status:

“A part of me is a little disappointed that people are leaving me on here because I admit to being human. Their loss.”

Second, the first comment:

“If you can’t handle me when I am low, when I am depressed, when the shit hits the fan and when everything is murky, then why should I care about you when life is good and everything’s going in the right direction? Everyone has mood swings, everyone has off days, and not everyone handles it the same way. I have no problem coming to the aid of a friend when they’re down (when I know about it), and I try to avoid judging others. If you can’t handle it, if your view of how negative or positive I am is more important than a true friend who’s learned (the hard way) the value of the truth in a relationship, then I hope the door smacks your head on the way out – I can’t help it if you choose to be wrong.

OK, done with my rant – sorry for being so “whiny”…”

Chances are good I’ll lose more “friends” on this site before all is said and done, but if it means finding a few more people online who have more of a genuine interest in me than a bunch of people who have no respect for who I am or what I want to be or do, so be it.  I only came back to that site for the fun of it, not to play childish games.

Lyric Dig Game 11/23/12

GAME TIME!  While you’re all out shopping and enjoying this black friday nonsense, I’m at home listening to some of my music, pulling out random quotations, and I realized I’ve got a game started.  The rules are simple:  Name the song the quote came from.  For example,

1.  “You Let Me Violate You..” – Nine Inch Nails, Closer, The Downward Spiral (album version)

To answer, you just need title and artist – bonus points to those who get which version I pulled from (which is somewhat unfair if you’ve never hung around me, as I have a decent-sized library of live and cover versions of a lot of my songs).  1 point for each correct title and artist, 2 for the bonus information, 3 for any information I don’t have correct, and 5 for the bonus question.  (If it’s a cover, you can list the original singer, BUT it would be advised to list the person/group you think whose cover I am using.)

Ready?

1.  And now I wait my whole life time for you…
2.  But I can see the fire still alight, burning into the night…
3.  Please repeat the message: It’s the music that we choose…
4.  I’ve been a victim of a selfish kind of love…
5.  I’d be your lover, if you were there…
6.  But the shadow still remains since your descent, your descent…
7.  Forked tongues and bitter mouths can drive a man to bleed from inside out…
8.  While we live according to race, color or creed…
9.  It’s just that this is not the way I’m wired…
10. Too bad, people say, What’s wrong with the kids today? …

Bonus:  To stand and face a the hounds of hell and rot inside a corpse shell?

Answers on Sunday 7:30 P.M. on Facebook and my blog.